Baby it's Cold Outside

On Friday I needed to take time out to explain to my class of twelve year olds why it was completely unacceptable to call a girl frigid because she won’t go out with you.

We’d just spent three weeks worth of PSHE lessons talking about boundaries, sex and the importance of personal choice. We’re going to spend some more time going over it again.

It started when I got asked, during question time, what ‘frigid’ means. I have to be honest, I stiffened; this is one of the things that gets me riled. I explained that frigid means cold - as in refrigerator - and then asked the context in which the word had been used.

I then had to explain to the class that frigid is, more commonly, a derogatory word used by someone to put people down for saying ‘no’ to them. It’s a word used by people with a wounded pride. By people who do not respect someone else’s right to say no. By people who don’t really care about you. That it’s a way of telling someone that they are cold and unfriendly because they won’t do what you want.

I likened it to someone asking you to give them the brand new iPod you had just been given for your birthday and them calling you a cow (or worse) when you won’t.

It’s possible I rammed it home a bit far. But I’m OK with that. You see, I think ‘frigid’ is one of the most powerful and damaging words in the teenage lexicon. It’s a word that segregates a girl from the crowd, it deems her an untouchable, it degrades her opinions, eats away her self-esteem and tells her it’s not OK to say ‘no’. Again and again I have seen girls who determine that they will never be called frigid again. That they will be accepted, that they will fit in, that they will be what the boys want . . . . whatever that involves.

I may be riled, but I’m glad this conversation came up. I had been dancing around the topic, but this question forced my class, and me, to face up to a nasty reality of teenage relationships. It’s one I’m writing into the lesson plans for next year.

It’s one we need to write into our conversations with our sons and our daughters. We need to make sure they understand that being called frigid is as outrageous as being called a nasty name for not handing over our treasured possessions to anyone who asks for them.

We need to instil in our girls a confidence in their own opinions, strength in their decision-making and a self-esteem that does not base itself in other people’s opinion of them.

We need to bring up boys who have the ability to hear the word no - in any situation - without kicking off, who value other people’s opinions and . . .  who have a self-esteem that does not base itself in other’s opinion of them.

It’s not rocket science. But it's not easy either. It’s not like teaching our children their times tables or helping them learn how to conjugate a verb in French. We’re going to have to invest some time in this. But we will see a return.

We’re going to have to role model saying ‘No!’ and hearing ‘No!’. We might have to make it possible for our children to say ‘No!’ to us sometimes, just so that they can learn that they have the power to do so and, importantly, that they have not wrecked a relationship by doing so. 

We need to say ‘No!’ to them, not just because what they want isn’t happening today but because they have to learn to understand that not getting their own way is not rejection.

We need to help them grow into adults who are considerate of other people’s feelings, who put other people first but who understand they do not carry the responsibility for making their friends and partners happy.

It’s like teaching them to walk a tightrope. It’s going to take time and sometimes they are going to fall and get hurt, but, with enough practice, they’ll work out how to walk forwards with confidence.

Love is all around us

Following on from last week’s blog, I’d like to share some other nuggets from the Exceptional Women’s Conference.

In case you missed the last entry, the theme for the conference was LOVE, based on John 4:7, which says: “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God”.

Guest speaker Marion Meyers (senior pastor of The River Church in Devon) took two of the four main speaker spots at the event, which ran March 30-31.

I can’t say her teaching was exactly comfortable to listen to, but it was certainly relevant, poignant and incredibly powerful. At least, that’s how I felt about it.

Her first session was entitled “Looking for love in the wrong places”. She introduced the topic by explaining how she once took a play therapy course that talked about the concept of a ‘love tank’. In response to this, she told her two children that when they were hungry or thirsty, they had a little tank that mummy would fill when it was empty. In the same way, she told them they had a ‘love tank’ that she would fill with hugs any time they felt they needed love.

But she believes many women who grew up in homes where mum and/or dad were AWOL struggle to fill their ‘love tank’; many don’t even know how to do this. As a result, the tank gets broken and leaky; it never feels full enough.

This, Pastor Marion said, is something that God anticipated many moons ago. “For My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold no water” (Jeremiah 2:13).

But that’s just the bad news. She pointed out that God is too gracious and merciful to allow people to remain in this broken state. His response is to provide a fountain of living water that never runs dry and permanently quenches our thirst for love (John 4:7-19).

“My joy, peace and happiness do not rely on anyone else loving or being nice to me,” Pastor Marion commented. “When we are filled up with living water there is nothing more satisfying.”

Like the woman at the well with the six ‘husbands’, she claimed women who look for love in the wrong places will be constantly unhappy, vulnerable and tormented; and they will always struggle to comprehend the love of God. The solution, she said, is to practically come to know the love of Christ for ourselves.

Carrying on from her Friday session, Pastor Marion’s Saturday slot, entitled “Bad Love” began with Ephesians 3:17-19, which talks about being “rooted and grounded in love” and knowing “the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God”.

She played a clip from Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance”, which includes lyrics such as: “I want your ugly, I want your disease; I want your everything, as long as it's free; I want your love.”

As the song shows, some women would rather have bad love than no love, and this means we allow ourselves to make excuses for the people in our lives that treat us badly. “Love and bad can’t go in the same sentence!” Pastor Marion said. “Love is empowering and accepting; it wants you to fly! It doesn’t want to squeeze you into a box and keep you locked up.”

But Pastor Marion claimed that God is into “swapsies”; that he trades beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. And that if people allow this to happen they will never thirst again. “If you can get loving yourself right you won’t put up with bad love,” she concluded.

As Solomon says in Proverbs 27:7: “A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.”

Read more from Joy in the next edition of Liberti magazine.

The Christian camps that are “brainwashing” our kids

Soul Survivor 2011 courtesy of River Methodist Church

As a regular Guardian reader, I was surprised to see an article called “Christian teen camps are wicked, innit” (August 2011) on the paper’s website.

Although cleverly written, this piece reveals Thomas Prosser’s ignorance and prejudice, and is typical of our generation’s tolerance for anything apart from Christian values.

The general gist of the article is that Christian camp organisers are using teen lingo and exploitative techniques to brainwash kids into believing the (clearly nonsensical) views that millions of people around the world hold.

I went to Christian camps every summer as a teenager and they were the highlight of my year. I made a lifelong friend the very first year and we met up at camp each year after that for about six years. We’re still in touch now.

There were no secret agendas about these camps: they were advertised as Christian camps and I wasn’t surprised to find there was some mention of Christianity when I got there. If you went to a pop concert and ended up watching a strip show, you’d be a little surprised to say the least (or perhaps not so much these days).

Prosser describes Soul Survivor sermons as “wild orations that aim to wear down the resistance of the audience to the message”. He claims: “Videos designed to whip up the emotional temperature of the audience are shown, and fervid calls for youngsters to accept Christ are made.” He adds that “hypnotic music typically sounds out in subdued lighting as youngsters are urged to come to the front and give their lives to Christ”.

I’m pretty sure Prosser’s never actually been to the camp. What makes the music “hypnotic”? Is there anything inherently evil about rooms with dimmed lighting? Should we stop our kids from watching videos that have an emotional impact on them and force them to watch reality TV drivel instead?

I found it deeply ironic that the article – deriding the underlying “manipulation” of Christian “yoof lingo” – used such overtly anti-Christian language. Was this Prosser’s ploy to “brainwash” Guardian readers into rejecting Bible teachings? Let’s just hope his audience is more discerning than he thinks our youngsters are.

Prosser continues by saying: “None of any of this is fair to teens: young people have a right to choose their religious beliefs without being subjected to strategies that emotionally exploit them.”

Do you know many teens who agree to do things they don’t want to do? Isn’t he patronising and undermining the intelligence of our youngsters, who have probably given the issues considerable thought before making a decision one way or the other. That was certainly my experience.

I fundamentally disagree with Prosser’s assertion that “giving one's heart to Christ can alas be done in a fit of absence of mind”. How could he possibly know that? I agree that it can be a spontaneous decision, but becoming a Christian isn’t just about saying “pledging allegiance to Christ” at a specific moment; it’s about deciding whether to follow Him for the rest of your life. This choice is theirs long after the camp ends.

The article stipulates that “Christianity's most controversial doctrines are given a full airing at the camps”. This is probably true. We discussed a huge range of topics including human suffering, racism, evolution, who Jesus was, sex before marriage, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, physical healing… You name it, we talked about it.

But these discussions were open, interactive debates and questions/challenges to doctrine were actively encouraged. It gave us the opportunity to talk about things we might have been afraid to talk about with our parents or friends. And backed up with Bible teachings, the “wickedness” of these principles should probably be taken up with God himself.

Finally, while a lot of my friends were trying out drugs, sleeping around and messing about with Ouija boards, I was learning to jet ski, having a go at archery and horseriding, playing outdoor games, having gala dinners, taking part in music, craft and drama workshops, and most of all, having a LOT of fun.

I scrolled down to read the comments below the article, and sadly, the majority of respondents agreed with Prosser’s bigoted generalisations. “Most sensible people realise that religion is a crock of shit when they hit puberty,” says one. “Anyone uncool enough to sign up for such an embarrassing dickwit fest deserves all they get,” says another.

It’s a shame Christianity is seen by many as something that only the gullible, educationally subnormal and under-10s could possibly take seriously. Would these people have the guts to say the same about Islam or Judaism?

One that made me laugh, though, said: “The thuggery of those Christians over the past few days as they've been rioting, torching buildings, looting and mugging has been beyond contempt. My comment is of course not serious, Thomas Prosser, because I guess your article is not serious.”

I’ll leave Liberti editor Bekah Legg to have the last word on this as she has actually been to the festival and has therefore earned the right to comment.

“I went quite cautious, if I'm honest, but have been thoroughly impressed by all they do,” she says. “I take a group of about 60 kids and watch them grow before my eyes.

“It's an opportunity for them to hear great teaching, participate in great worship, encounter the Holy Spirit in a safe environment where there is no pressure or manipulation and above all I think it is just amazing to be part of a group of 10,000 people and realise that there are a lot more Christians out there.

“I've seen a lot of kids’ lives turned around.”

I don’t have children (yet) but when I do, I think I’ll run the risk of them encountering darkened rooms and "hypnotic" music than allowing them to do the things most teenagers are doing these days. Ok, rant over!