Baby it's Cold Outside

On Friday I needed to take time out to explain to my class of twelve year olds why it was completely unacceptable to call a girl frigid because she won’t go out with you.

We’d just spent three weeks worth of PSHE lessons talking about boundaries, sex and the importance of personal choice. We’re going to spend some more time going over it again.

It started when I got asked, during question time, what ‘frigid’ means. I have to be honest, I stiffened; this is one of the things that gets me riled. I explained that frigid means cold - as in refrigerator - and then asked the context in which the word had been used.

I then had to explain to the class that frigid is, more commonly, a derogatory word used by someone to put people down for saying ‘no’ to them. It’s a word used by people with a wounded pride. By people who do not respect someone else’s right to say no. By people who don’t really care about you. That it’s a way of telling someone that they are cold and unfriendly because they won’t do what you want.

I likened it to someone asking you to give them the brand new iPod you had just been given for your birthday and them calling you a cow (or worse) when you won’t.

It’s possible I rammed it home a bit far. But I’m OK with that. You see, I think ‘frigid’ is one of the most powerful and damaging words in the teenage lexicon. It’s a word that segregates a girl from the crowd, it deems her an untouchable, it degrades her opinions, eats away her self-esteem and tells her it’s not OK to say ‘no’. Again and again I have seen girls who determine that they will never be called frigid again. That they will be accepted, that they will fit in, that they will be what the boys want . . . . whatever that involves.

I may be riled, but I’m glad this conversation came up. I had been dancing around the topic, but this question forced my class, and me, to face up to a nasty reality of teenage relationships. It’s one I’m writing into the lesson plans for next year.

It’s one we need to write into our conversations with our sons and our daughters. We need to make sure they understand that being called frigid is as outrageous as being called a nasty name for not handing over our treasured possessions to anyone who asks for them.

We need to instil in our girls a confidence in their own opinions, strength in their decision-making and a self-esteem that does not base itself in other people’s opinion of them.

We need to bring up boys who have the ability to hear the word no - in any situation - without kicking off, who value other people’s opinions and . . .  who have a self-esteem that does not base itself in other’s opinion of them.

It’s not rocket science. But it's not easy either. It’s not like teaching our children their times tables or helping them learn how to conjugate a verb in French. We’re going to have to invest some time in this. But we will see a return.

We’re going to have to role model saying ‘No!’ and hearing ‘No!’. We might have to make it possible for our children to say ‘No!’ to us sometimes, just so that they can learn that they have the power to do so and, importantly, that they have not wrecked a relationship by doing so. 

We need to say ‘No!’ to them, not just because what they want isn’t happening today but because they have to learn to understand that not getting their own way is not rejection.

We need to help them grow into adults who are considerate of other people’s feelings, who put other people first but who understand they do not carry the responsibility for making their friends and partners happy.

It’s like teaching them to walk a tightrope. It’s going to take time and sometimes they are going to fall and get hurt, but, with enough practice, they’ll work out how to walk forwards with confidence.

Porn: the new sex education for kids

When I was eleven, my most risqué pastime was reading a bit of Judy Blume. Now eleven is the average age at which children start watching porn. I’ll let you digest that for a second…

According to research recently presented at the London University's Institute of Education, more and more children are turning to pornography for information about sex because they’re not getting it from their parents or teachers.

The researchers involved, Maree Crabbe and David Corlett, said that most schools discourage honest discussion about sex and intimacy and that porn has subsequently become the country’s “most prominent sex educator”.

Worryingly, many kids believe that by watching porn they are learning what is “normal” in sexual contexts. So our kids are basing their ideas about sex acts on the adult videos they watch, many of which are extreme and even violent.

Experts fear young girls will develop warped ideas about how they should look and may start to perceive themselves as sex objects dedicated to servicing men. Boys, on the other hand, are likely to harbour unrealistic expectations about sex and may also pick up on the misogynistic attitudes represented in many porn films.

It is also believed that the “pornification” of British culture (Labour MP Diane Abbott’s words, not mine) has prompted a rise in the number of underage sexual encounters. It seems more children and teenagers are feeling under pressure to have sex, both as a way of keeping their “partners” happy, and of keeping up with their friends’ supposed exploits. Accessing pornographic material can also put girls at risk of strangers who are looking for teenagers to groom.

Imagine finding out your eleven-year-old is watching x-rated material to find out about sex! I don’t have any kids, but if I did I’d be tempted to place them under immediate house arrest, far far away from any porn-accessing device. But kids have an uncanny way of getting into everything they shouldn’t, and stifling them certainly won’t improve your relationship with them.

Here are my five tips to help you address these issues (feel free to add your own in the comments section below):

1. Monitor the sites they are visiting at home and encourage their friends’ parents to do the same
2. Contact your internet service provider to find out how to stop them accessing adult content
3. Keep computers in public areas, not in bedrooms
4. Be aware of changes in their behaviour such as jumpiness when you approach the computer
5. (Perhaps the hardest one of all.) Talk to them openly and honestly about sex, loving relationships, pregnancy, abortion, sexual predators, paedophiles, peer pressure, sexual violence, body image and anything else you can think of. Encourage them to ask questions and share their feelings and concerns with you

It’s important your kids know that you love them whatever happens, but that you care enough to want the best for them and to protect them. If you don’t think they are able to open up to you, then perhaps encourage them to talk to a youth pastor or someone else they (and you) trust.

Hormone-fuelled kids are bound to be curious about sex, but it’s important that they learn about it in a safe environment. We need to give them a meaningful understanding of sex and the god-given purpose it serves within a healthy relationship; to assure them that it isn’t a dirty or sinful act within the confines of a happy marriage.

Remember that they will pick up on your attitudes towards sexual intimacy and members of the opposite sex, so make sure you are feeding your thoughts and sexual appetites the right way.

Read more from Joy in the upcoming issue of Liberti magazine.

The Christian camps that are “brainwashing” our kids

Soul Survivor 2011 courtesy of River Methodist Church

As a regular Guardian reader, I was surprised to see an article called “Christian teen camps are wicked, innit” (August 2011) on the paper’s website.

Although cleverly written, this piece reveals Thomas Prosser’s ignorance and prejudice, and is typical of our generation’s tolerance for anything apart from Christian values.

The general gist of the article is that Christian camp organisers are using teen lingo and exploitative techniques to brainwash kids into believing the (clearly nonsensical) views that millions of people around the world hold.

I went to Christian camps every summer as a teenager and they were the highlight of my year. I made a lifelong friend the very first year and we met up at camp each year after that for about six years. We’re still in touch now.

There were no secret agendas about these camps: they were advertised as Christian camps and I wasn’t surprised to find there was some mention of Christianity when I got there. If you went to a pop concert and ended up watching a strip show, you’d be a little surprised to say the least (or perhaps not so much these days).

Prosser describes Soul Survivor sermons as “wild orations that aim to wear down the resistance of the audience to the message”. He claims: “Videos designed to whip up the emotional temperature of the audience are shown, and fervid calls for youngsters to accept Christ are made.” He adds that “hypnotic music typically sounds out in subdued lighting as youngsters are urged to come to the front and give their lives to Christ”.

I’m pretty sure Prosser’s never actually been to the camp. What makes the music “hypnotic”? Is there anything inherently evil about rooms with dimmed lighting? Should we stop our kids from watching videos that have an emotional impact on them and force them to watch reality TV drivel instead?

I found it deeply ironic that the article – deriding the underlying “manipulation” of Christian “yoof lingo” – used such overtly anti-Christian language. Was this Prosser’s ploy to “brainwash” Guardian readers into rejecting Bible teachings? Let’s just hope his audience is more discerning than he thinks our youngsters are.

Prosser continues by saying: “None of any of this is fair to teens: young people have a right to choose their religious beliefs without being subjected to strategies that emotionally exploit them.”

Do you know many teens who agree to do things they don’t want to do? Isn’t he patronising and undermining the intelligence of our youngsters, who have probably given the issues considerable thought before making a decision one way or the other. That was certainly my experience.

I fundamentally disagree with Prosser’s assertion that “giving one's heart to Christ can alas be done in a fit of absence of mind”. How could he possibly know that? I agree that it can be a spontaneous decision, but becoming a Christian isn’t just about saying “pledging allegiance to Christ” at a specific moment; it’s about deciding whether to follow Him for the rest of your life. This choice is theirs long after the camp ends.

The article stipulates that “Christianity's most controversial doctrines are given a full airing at the camps”. This is probably true. We discussed a huge range of topics including human suffering, racism, evolution, who Jesus was, sex before marriage, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, physical healing… You name it, we talked about it.

But these discussions were open, interactive debates and questions/challenges to doctrine were actively encouraged. It gave us the opportunity to talk about things we might have been afraid to talk about with our parents or friends. And backed up with Bible teachings, the “wickedness” of these principles should probably be taken up with God himself.

Finally, while a lot of my friends were trying out drugs, sleeping around and messing about with Ouija boards, I was learning to jet ski, having a go at archery and horseriding, playing outdoor games, having gala dinners, taking part in music, craft and drama workshops, and most of all, having a LOT of fun.

I scrolled down to read the comments below the article, and sadly, the majority of respondents agreed with Prosser’s bigoted generalisations. “Most sensible people realise that religion is a crock of shit when they hit puberty,” says one. “Anyone uncool enough to sign up for such an embarrassing dickwit fest deserves all they get,” says another.

It’s a shame Christianity is seen by many as something that only the gullible, educationally subnormal and under-10s could possibly take seriously. Would these people have the guts to say the same about Islam or Judaism?

One that made me laugh, though, said: “The thuggery of those Christians over the past few days as they've been rioting, torching buildings, looting and mugging has been beyond contempt. My comment is of course not serious, Thomas Prosser, because I guess your article is not serious.”

I’ll leave Liberti editor Bekah Legg to have the last word on this as she has actually been to the festival and has therefore earned the right to comment.

“I went quite cautious, if I'm honest, but have been thoroughly impressed by all they do,” she says. “I take a group of about 60 kids and watch them grow before my eyes.

“It's an opportunity for them to hear great teaching, participate in great worship, encounter the Holy Spirit in a safe environment where there is no pressure or manipulation and above all I think it is just amazing to be part of a group of 10,000 people and realise that there are a lot more Christians out there.

“I've seen a lot of kids’ lives turned around.”

I don’t have children (yet) but when I do, I think I’ll run the risk of them encountering darkened rooms and "hypnotic" music than allowing them to do the things most teenagers are doing these days. Ok, rant over!