Baby it's Cold Outside

On Friday I needed to take time out to explain to my class of twelve year olds why it was completely unacceptable to call a girl frigid because she won’t go out with you.

We’d just spent three weeks worth of PSHE lessons talking about boundaries, sex and the importance of personal choice. We’re going to spend some more time going over it again.

It started when I got asked, during question time, what ‘frigid’ means. I have to be honest, I stiffened; this is one of the things that gets me riled. I explained that frigid means cold - as in refrigerator - and then asked the context in which the word had been used.

I then had to explain to the class that frigid is, more commonly, a derogatory word used by someone to put people down for saying ‘no’ to them. It’s a word used by people with a wounded pride. By people who do not respect someone else’s right to say no. By people who don’t really care about you. That it’s a way of telling someone that they are cold and unfriendly because they won’t do what you want.

I likened it to someone asking you to give them the brand new iPod you had just been given for your birthday and them calling you a cow (or worse) when you won’t.

It’s possible I rammed it home a bit far. But I’m OK with that. You see, I think ‘frigid’ is one of the most powerful and damaging words in the teenage lexicon. It’s a word that segregates a girl from the crowd, it deems her an untouchable, it degrades her opinions, eats away her self-esteem and tells her it’s not OK to say ‘no’. Again and again I have seen girls who determine that they will never be called frigid again. That they will be accepted, that they will fit in, that they will be what the boys want . . . . whatever that involves.

I may be riled, but I’m glad this conversation came up. I had been dancing around the topic, but this question forced my class, and me, to face up to a nasty reality of teenage relationships. It’s one I’m writing into the lesson plans for next year.

It’s one we need to write into our conversations with our sons and our daughters. We need to make sure they understand that being called frigid is as outrageous as being called a nasty name for not handing over our treasured possessions to anyone who asks for them.

We need to instil in our girls a confidence in their own opinions, strength in their decision-making and a self-esteem that does not base itself in other people’s opinion of them.

We need to bring up boys who have the ability to hear the word no - in any situation - without kicking off, who value other people’s opinions and . . .  who have a self-esteem that does not base itself in other’s opinion of them.

It’s not rocket science. But it's not easy either. It’s not like teaching our children their times tables or helping them learn how to conjugate a verb in French. We’re going to have to invest some time in this. But we will see a return.

We’re going to have to role model saying ‘No!’ and hearing ‘No!’. We might have to make it possible for our children to say ‘No!’ to us sometimes, just so that they can learn that they have the power to do so and, importantly, that they have not wrecked a relationship by doing so. 

We need to say ‘No!’ to them, not just because what they want isn’t happening today but because they have to learn to understand that not getting their own way is not rejection.

We need to help them grow into adults who are considerate of other people’s feelings, who put other people first but who understand they do not carry the responsibility for making their friends and partners happy.

It’s like teaching them to walk a tightrope. It’s going to take time and sometimes they are going to fall and get hurt, but, with enough practice, they’ll work out how to walk forwards with confidence.

Body Image - through the eyes of a child...

I’ve just come back from delivering a workshop on body image at a local secondary school. I’m reminded again of how important it is that kids are given this information – in schools, at home and through the media. I'm delighted that Media Smart have developed an information pack for parents on the whole issue - it's a great resource and you can download it here.

The information kids are given – at school through their peers, at home through the things they hear their parents saying, often inadvertently about themselves, through the media both online, onscreen and in print – sets them an unattainable target for beauty. Adverts, TV programmes and even social media portray men and women in airbrushed, digitally enhanced perfection to the extent that young people no longer know what is real, but are left with the ‘knowledge’ that they don’t match up.

The result is a generation, probably now a second generation, of young people whose self-esteem is riding at an all-time low, and who are increasingly struggling with a range of eating disorders as a follow on to body dysmorphia. They have been taught that their value lies in their appearance, that achievement is about weight loss and that perfect hair is a thing to strive for.

I still find it astonishing to go into a classroom and realise how few children are aware that the images that they are bombarded with are not real – that so many are quite literally an artist’s creation – founded on reality but now the figment of someone’s imagination; a work of art, certainly, but not real.

I get great satisfaction from watching the students I work with develop an awareness; to see them begin to critically analyse the adverts I place before them, to hear them discuss and discover the messages in the advertisement, to dissect those messages and then reject them. I pray that they continue to develop these skills as they learn to filter the images that enter their psyche.

And I pray that mine will not be the last voice that encourages them to know that they are more than their body. I pray that as they return home, they find parents who can chat this through with them. Parents who will value their kindness, their intellect, their thoughtfulness, their skills, their humour, their patience, their tenacity, their stamina, their strength and their loyalty above their looks.

I’m a mum, I think my girls are gorgeous – there are days when I think they are so cute I could actually eat them. But this must never be the only praise I give them. I do tell them their hair is beautiful and that they look lovely in that outfit – but I also tell them how proud I am of their achievements.

I tell Meggie that I am blown away by her swimming, I spend hours chatting with Gem about the books she's reading. I tell Maddie that her creativity is a gift that she must cherish and Emmie knows how impressed we are that she is up at the stable in all weathers, mucking out and helping so that she can earn some time to actually ride. Amber could singlehandedly replace the entire Olympic Committee and still find time for fun, such is her skill for organisation. These are the things that make my kids unique; these are the things that I love about them; these are the things that I never want them to forget are important.

We influence the people in our lives by the things we say about them and about ourselves. When I talk about wanting to lose weight or complain that I feel fat I’m teaching my kids to look at themselves and wonder if they’re overweight too, like mummy. The thing is, my kids look at me and just see me. They don’t see the love handles or the cellulite or the sags – they just see mummy. They don’t see the ‘flaws’. When I disillusion them by pointing these things out I’m teaching them that they matter. I’m putting the thought into their minds that maybe there is something about them that’s not how it should.

Quite frankly I should keep quiet and allow myself a place where I am like Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way! There aren't many people who think that about me, so while my children accept me just the way I am, I should enjoy it. Then, just maybe, it will enable them to grow up accepting themselves in the same way.