Baby it's Cold Outside

On Friday I needed to take time out to explain to my class of twelve year olds why it was completely unacceptable to call a girl frigid because she won’t go out with you.

We’d just spent three weeks worth of PSHE lessons talking about boundaries, sex and the importance of personal choice. We’re going to spend some more time going over it again.

It started when I got asked, during question time, what ‘frigid’ means. I have to be honest, I stiffened; this is one of the things that gets me riled. I explained that frigid means cold - as in refrigerator - and then asked the context in which the word had been used.

I then had to explain to the class that frigid is, more commonly, a derogatory word used by someone to put people down for saying ‘no’ to them. It’s a word used by people with a wounded pride. By people who do not respect someone else’s right to say no. By people who don’t really care about you. That it’s a way of telling someone that they are cold and unfriendly because they won’t do what you want.

I likened it to someone asking you to give them the brand new iPod you had just been given for your birthday and them calling you a cow (or worse) when you won’t.

It’s possible I rammed it home a bit far. But I’m OK with that. You see, I think ‘frigid’ is one of the most powerful and damaging words in the teenage lexicon. It’s a word that segregates a girl from the crowd, it deems her an untouchable, it degrades her opinions, eats away her self-esteem and tells her it’s not OK to say ‘no’. Again and again I have seen girls who determine that they will never be called frigid again. That they will be accepted, that they will fit in, that they will be what the boys want . . . . whatever that involves.

I may be riled, but I’m glad this conversation came up. I had been dancing around the topic, but this question forced my class, and me, to face up to a nasty reality of teenage relationships. It’s one I’m writing into the lesson plans for next year.

It’s one we need to write into our conversations with our sons and our daughters. We need to make sure they understand that being called frigid is as outrageous as being called a nasty name for not handing over our treasured possessions to anyone who asks for them.

We need to instil in our girls a confidence in their own opinions, strength in their decision-making and a self-esteem that does not base itself in other people’s opinion of them.

We need to bring up boys who have the ability to hear the word no - in any situation - without kicking off, who value other people’s opinions and . . .  who have a self-esteem that does not base itself in other’s opinion of them.

It’s not rocket science. But it's not easy either. It’s not like teaching our children their times tables or helping them learn how to conjugate a verb in French. We’re going to have to invest some time in this. But we will see a return.

We’re going to have to role model saying ‘No!’ and hearing ‘No!’. We might have to make it possible for our children to say ‘No!’ to us sometimes, just so that they can learn that they have the power to do so and, importantly, that they have not wrecked a relationship by doing so. 

We need to say ‘No!’ to them, not just because what they want isn’t happening today but because they have to learn to understand that not getting their own way is not rejection.

We need to help them grow into adults who are considerate of other people’s feelings, who put other people first but who understand they do not carry the responsibility for making their friends and partners happy.

It’s like teaching them to walk a tightrope. It’s going to take time and sometimes they are going to fall and get hurt, but, with enough practice, they’ll work out how to walk forwards with confidence.

Girls who run the world

In an interview for the May issue of British Vogue, Beyoncé Knowles described herself as a "modern-day feminist". This got me thinking about what the term ‘feminism’ means today and whether it is a positive or a negative thing. (As a disclaimer, this is not a deep, philosophical debate, just a few personal thoughts.)

For some women it is about being able to do all of the things men can do… and more. Whether that means doing the DIY, playing football, entering the political sphere or preaching in a church, it is about proving that the ‘weaker sex’ is actually no such thing.

For some people, feminism is almost militant stance, a championing of the ‘Independent Women’ and ‘Single Ladies’ against the rest of the world. It is the overcoming of prejudice and criticism of women as meek, powerless housewives, and raises the question: do women need men to get on in life?

Others think of feminism as a more collective idea. It’s about encouraging all women to achieve their potential regardless of their age, ethnic background and social outlook. It’s about equal rights for women and deals with issues such as voting, maternity leave, workplace equality and domestic violence.

For others it is about sexual liberty; the pursuit of bedroom equality. An environment where women can sleep with who they want, when they want without being referred to as sluts; to be able to live a Sex and the City lifestyle and read 50 Shades of Grey on the bus without criticism.

Whatever it means to you, feminists are often criticised because the concept is perceived as an anti-male stance. Some women do appear to act as though men are an inconvenient ‘other’ as they take on the world. Other women are seen to present a double standard because they want to dress in a super sexy way like Beyoncé or Rihanna without being treated like sex objects.

Head of Family Law at Slater & Gordon, Amanda McAlister has even blamed the Sex and the City lifestyle for an increase in alcoholism and, as a direct result, higher divorce rates.

Some argue that the stress of ‘doing it all’ – having a successful career, raising a family and living it up at the weekends – may be taking its toll on women. I know that for me personally, being a woman can be exhausting!

Beyoncé says in the interview that “we have a way to go” before women and men are considered equal, and I would tend to agree. Until women are paid the same amount as men for doing the same job, allowed to be part of church leadership teams, respected in sporting circles and treated as valuable human beings rather than sex objects, there is still work to be done.

Proverbs 31:10-31 gives us an interesting biblical perspective on the ‘virtuous’ wife: of a woman who is successful in the home and in business; who is respected by those around her and cares for the poor. I think this is a good model for all women.

Some of Beyoncé’s song lyrics may be a little questionable, but I’ll finish with some simple words I liked from the upcoming interview: “Why do you have to choose what type of woman you are? Why do you have to label yourself anything? I’m just a woman and I love being a woman.”

Read more from Joy in the upcoming issue of Liberti magazine.

(Photo credits: Image 1 Parkwood; Image 2 Claudio Mariotto; Image 3 Hollywood Branded.)

Creating Space

I went to a ‘gathering’ last weekend. Organised by Spring Harvest and Sophia Network it was a meeting up of women from all kinds of backgrounds who want to see women released to be all that they were created to be. I took along two of my own little women who, as they played on the iPad and read Little House on the Prairie quietly in the corner, got to hear women talking about how we could help little girls, just like them and maybe older, to dream big dreams and fly.


There's been something buzzing around my head since I left:  We talked about making space for people, thought about how we can make sure that we don’t get so protective of our own positions that we don’t empower other women. We faced up to the fact that it can be hard to step aside and allow room for competition and were tasked with thinking in groups about how we can create pathways for those who come after us.



It was a crucial thing to discuss but, in my group it became apparent that some felt a constant tension in their life at work. Not knowing how to create space or whether they should step down from their role or go part time so someone else gets a chance. It’s been going round in my brain since.


I think it's really important to recognise potential in people and encourage it, to mentor that person and help them take opportunities, to make sure that we don't do things out of selfish ambition BUT I don't think that means everyone has to fall on their sword after a couple of years and retire early or change jobs so that other people get the chance.


I think that the whole thing about church - if that's what we're talking about - should be about creating new space - our aim, to coin a phrase, is expansion. That should need more leaders, not just a quick turn around.


I think that in all our talk about not being selfish with our space - which is totally correct - we must be careful we don't end up feeling guilty that we have a space in the first place. Jesus handed over his task to the disciples at 33 because he had finished. At 33 most of us are just starting. And he handed over to 12, not just because they weren't actually the son of God and it would take 12 of them to do what he did but because they had to go to the ends of the earth. They led until they died, but they appointed and annointed new leaders (male and female) as they grew the church. They created space through evangelism and the simple need for more leaders. 


So I think creating space is about creating vision - saying - what Tearfund, Spring Harvest, Schoolswork etc do is great, lets do more. Leading churches is great - lets start new ones, speaking on a platform is important - go to the ends of the earth and speak to people who have never heard the news before. It’s about seeing our role, not as the destination but as the springboard for new projects with new people. 

The crucial thing is enabling women to dare to have vision in the first place and the courage to see it through. We still have to challenge bad theology and traditions and I personally think quotas have a place, but throughout history, bold women have gone and done the things men told them they couldn't and they have done them so well people noticed.

As a brethren girl myself, I was struck by how many women in the room yesterday were from the same background - who had grown up being told they couldn't but who did it anyway. Let's raise a generation of bold women with big dreams and empower them to turn those dreams into reality.