Where did all the Dads go?

On Sunday, some of us will be celebrating our Fathers, but not all of us. A report came out today, which announced that over a million children in Britain are growing up without a father in their lives. That figure is taken based on children who see their dads less than twice a year, which by my reckoning hardly counts itself.

I can say that because my two children only see their biological father twice a year and I know that hardly counts. When they were smaller and I was a single Mum myself, the relationship they had with their dad was nothing short of fiction. They had created a Daddy in their imagination, had pretend conversations with him and dreamed of what meeting him would be like.

I remember one poignant moment when my then four-year-old daughter spoke to her Dad for the first time in two years on the telephone. I only heard one end of the conversation but it was clear he had apologised for the lapse in communication when Megan replied “That’s OK Dad, I speak to you most days on my tweenies telephone.”.

It broke my heart. Just like it used to break my heart when she and her sister would ask “why doesn’t Daddy ever talk to us?” What are you meant to say? I wanted to say that it was because he is clearly a muppet who doesn’t begin to get what he is missing out on. But I refrained because I didn’t want to damage whatever relationship they did have with him.

But I worried – I worried whether maybe I should, actually, tell them he’s a muppet – because the alternative is that somehow it’s their fault. That my precious girls weren’t worthy of more than this, not worthy of regular contact and undivided attention. Or that this, when someone can be bothered, attention is an acceptable form of love. That neglect is normal. That giving up on people is OK. I didn’t want them to grow up not expecting more than this from people who profess to love them.

Because that’s the reality of an absent Dad – or Mum. It’s a message, shot right to the heart, that you weren’t worth hanging around for.

My girls have done OK. I have done everything in my power to shout a louder message to them  - that I would move heaven and earth for them because they are so incredibly valuable. I think I’ve managed to pretty much drown the other message out. It’s what single parents do. We wrap our children in a love so strong the arrows of neglect can’t pierce it.

The Centre for Social Justice report damns politicians, on all sides, for a ‘feeble’ response to what they describe as a ‘tsunami’ of family breakdown. It calls on the government to do more to encourage marriage, but I’m not sure what I think about that.

Don’t get me wrong. I think marriage, as it is designed to be – a promise between two people to love, honour and support each other through thick and thin, is a beautiful thing and is the answer to a broken society. But I don’t believe a tax break will achieve this. A tax break encourages, by definition, a contract of convenience, which, when it ceases to be convenient, will be broken and the family torn apart just the same.

What we need to do is to encourage responsibility, commitment, sacrifice, selflessness, patience, kindness and courage. What we need is a cultural revolution, which holds up those attitudes as worthy, that celebrates brave and reckless love rather than romance and sexual gratification and that champions those who stick at it rather than those who get a lucky break.

It’s a revolution that should start in the church – in many places it already has, organisations like Care for the Family, Time for Marriage and Relationship Central are dedicated to supporting and strengthening families. Romance Academy and XLP are committed to changing attitudes in younger generations. We need to do more.

Around the country thousands of young people are growing up in ‘Men Deserts’, there simply aren’t men around. In some areas as many as 75% of families are single parent families. The church needs to invite people in and role model what family really looks like; supportive, attention giving, sacrificial family. We need to love children though our kids work, walk and talk with them through our youth programmes all the while demonstrating what commitment really looks like.

My mum has worked with young people through the church for decades. I will never forget overhearing what one of the boys from the local estate said to her at the Christmas party she threw for them. “You do so much for us Daphne, even though nobody else cares where we are. Thank you”. His family rarely knew what he was up to, hardly cared. But he knew that in that place he mattered and that he belonged and he saw a team of people who worked together, week after week, for no personal gain, to take care of him and his mates. It made a difference.

I’m married again now and my girls have a Daddy who loves them as if he had fathered them and he has been there for them now, longer than they were without him. It would be easy to sit back comfortable, but as a family we try to look out for those who still feel alone. We invite our single parent Dad friend and his daughter over for dinner regularly, we've had a boy from the youth group live with us for a year when he had nowhere else to go and we try to share this precious family gift that we have been given with those could do with a bit of it themselves.

My challenge to you is this – we live in a broken world and the reports and the politicians will continue to debate it for many years to come. But we can start to make a difference in our communities today– inviting people for tea, taking kids out for the day for a treat and getting involved in the kids work at church. What are you going to do?

What legacy are you leaving?

In his first major speech as Prime Minister, David Cameron set out his Olympic legacy aspiration:

"Make sure the Olympics legacy lifts East London from being one of the poorest parts of the country to one that shares fully in the capital's growth and prosperity."

The word “legacy” was bandied about throughout the Olympic period and, on August 12, Sebastian Coe was appointed Olympics legacy ambassador.

Cameron told the BBC there was a "huge opportunity" to build the legacy for the Games. He said that Lord Coe had "done a brilliant job delivering the best Games ever" and added: "Now I want him to help me deliver the best Olympic legacy ever."

This got me thinking about the meaning of “legacy”. It often relates to money, and there's an element of this here, but surely there has to be more to it. Well according to dictionary.com, it means: “a gift of property, especially personal property, as money, by will; a bequest; anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor”. Think Steve Redgrave handing over the torch for the seven young athletes to light the cauldron at the Olympic Opening Ceremony.

Having just finished a full week helping out at a holiday Bible club, I’ve had this word at the back of my mind for a while. People are always complaining about kids today, but in many ways they are simply the product of the legacy we have created for them. 

If we are passing on negative thoughts, anger, bitterness and foul language, how exactly do we expect them to behave? It’s our job to leave them a legacy during our lifetimes that will last well after we are gone. And I’m not just talking about school sports fields (although I do think they’re important!)

The kids at the club were enthusiastic, intelligent and inspirational. It was an absolute privilege being able to spend time with them and to encourage them to follow their dreams.

But with the week over and these kids preparing to go back to school, I hope they’ve taken away principles that will set them up for the rest of their lives: how to overcome real hurdles, finish the race and pass on the baton. I hope they have new ideas about what life is all about and about fixing their eyes on Jesus; about working as part of a team rather than just looking out for themselves; and about how much God loves them.

I don’t know about the kids, but I’ve certainly come away with a new outlook on life and am determined to a) appreciate the legacy that has been left for me by others and b) to leave a legacy that will bless others in the years to come.

In 30 years’ time, the Olympics will be a fond but distant memory, but I hope these amazing kids will remember some of things they’ve learnt and will go on to develop their own ideas about who Jesus is and why they should follow him.

After all, Jesus was all about legacy. Okay, so in human terms he didn't leave a wife or child, a house, clothes, business or money. But what he did leave was far more important. Jesus left us his powerful word and teachings; he revealed who God is; he gave his life to allow us to be reconciled to the Father; he rose again to defeat death so that we could have eternal life; and he left us the Holy Spirit to guide, comfort and protect us. 

Romans 8:17 says: "And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering."

If all the seven- to eleven-year-olds in the UK are as amazing as the children we got to spend the week with, I think our nation can expect great things in the next few decades: things that are even greater than 65 hard-won medals. I’m excited about the legacy we're leaving!

Read more from Joy in the upcoming issue of Liberti magazine.

Body Image - through the eyes of a child...

I’ve just come back from delivering a workshop on body image at a local secondary school. I’m reminded again of how important it is that kids are given this information – in schools, at home and through the media. I'm delighted that Media Smart have developed an information pack for parents on the whole issue - it's a great resource and you can download it here.

The information kids are given – at school through their peers, at home through the things they hear their parents saying, often inadvertently about themselves, through the media both online, onscreen and in print – sets them an unattainable target for beauty. Adverts, TV programmes and even social media portray men and women in airbrushed, digitally enhanced perfection to the extent that young people no longer know what is real, but are left with the ‘knowledge’ that they don’t match up.

The result is a generation, probably now a second generation, of young people whose self-esteem is riding at an all-time low, and who are increasingly struggling with a range of eating disorders as a follow on to body dysmorphia. They have been taught that their value lies in their appearance, that achievement is about weight loss and that perfect hair is a thing to strive for.

I still find it astonishing to go into a classroom and realise how few children are aware that the images that they are bombarded with are not real – that so many are quite literally an artist’s creation – founded on reality but now the figment of someone’s imagination; a work of art, certainly, but not real.

I get great satisfaction from watching the students I work with develop an awareness; to see them begin to critically analyse the adverts I place before them, to hear them discuss and discover the messages in the advertisement, to dissect those messages and then reject them. I pray that they continue to develop these skills as they learn to filter the images that enter their psyche.

And I pray that mine will not be the last voice that encourages them to know that they are more than their body. I pray that as they return home, they find parents who can chat this through with them. Parents who will value their kindness, their intellect, their thoughtfulness, their skills, their humour, their patience, their tenacity, their stamina, their strength and their loyalty above their looks.

I’m a mum, I think my girls are gorgeous – there are days when I think they are so cute I could actually eat them. But this must never be the only praise I give them. I do tell them their hair is beautiful and that they look lovely in that outfit – but I also tell them how proud I am of their achievements.

I tell Meggie that I am blown away by her swimming, I spend hours chatting with Gem about the books she's reading. I tell Maddie that her creativity is a gift that she must cherish and Emmie knows how impressed we are that she is up at the stable in all weathers, mucking out and helping so that she can earn some time to actually ride. Amber could singlehandedly replace the entire Olympic Committee and still find time for fun, such is her skill for organisation. These are the things that make my kids unique; these are the things that I love about them; these are the things that I never want them to forget are important.

We influence the people in our lives by the things we say about them and about ourselves. When I talk about wanting to lose weight or complain that I feel fat I’m teaching my kids to look at themselves and wonder if they’re overweight too, like mummy. The thing is, my kids look at me and just see me. They don’t see the love handles or the cellulite or the sags – they just see mummy. They don’t see the ‘flaws’. When I disillusion them by pointing these things out I’m teaching them that they matter. I’m putting the thought into their minds that maybe there is something about them that’s not how it should.

Quite frankly I should keep quiet and allow myself a place where I am like Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way! There aren't many people who think that about me, so while my children accept me just the way I am, I should enjoy it. Then, just maybe, it will enable them to grow up accepting themselves in the same way. 

How to fight domestic violence the peaceful way

According to The Independent, 19,000 women are forced from their homes by domestic violence each year (based on figures from 2008-09). Around 60% (11,300 victims) find shelter at a women's refuge.

Figures show more than 9,000 women took children with them as they fled their homes, with 190 mothers taking as many as five children with them.

However, around 40% of organisations working with victims of sexual and domestic abuse have had to make staff redundant over the last 12 months and 28% have cut essential services to keep refuge beds open.

The Independent claims funding from local authorities for domestic and sexual-abuse organisations dropped 31% from £7.8 million in 2010-11 to just £5.4 million in the last financial year. Sadly, 320 women turned away from refuges every day!

UK police receive a call about domestic violence every minute, and it is thought that less than 24% of domestic violence crime is actually reported.

The facts

1. Domestic violence accounts for between 16% and one quarter of all recorded violent crime
2. 45% women and 26% men experience at least one incident of inter-personal violence in their lifetimes; however, when there were more than four incidents, 89% of victims were women
3. 54% of UK rapes are committed by a woman’s current or former partner
4. Two women a week are killed by a male partner or former partner
5. At least 750,000 children a year witness domestic violence
6. Women are at greatest risk of homicide at the point of separation or after leaving a violent partner
7. 44% of abused women are victimised more than once, and 18% are victimised three or more times
8. Domestic violence and other abuse is the most prevalent cause of depression and other mental health difficulties in women
9. Domestic violence has been identified as a prime cause of miscarriage or still-birth
10. 20% of young men and 10% of young women think that abuse or violence against women is acceptable

If you’re among the 80% of young men or 90% of young women who don’t think domestic violence is ok, these statistics are pretty shocking. And if services are cut, fewer women will be able to leave homes where they and their children are in danger.

Many women stay in abusive relationships for years and only leave if they are in fear for their or their kids’ lives, so we should be doing all we can to encourage and support the victims of this horrible crime.

If you or someone you know has suffered at the hands of their partner, encourage them to contact Refuge or Women’s Aid, both of which can be reached 24/7 on 0808 2000 247. Alternatively, they or you can call the police on 999.

Ways you can help

You can donate money to Refuge online or on 020 7395 7713. The charity claims £10 can be used to secure a protection order against the perpetrator; £20 can provide women with an ‘emergency kit’ of basic toiletries and food; and £50 could pay for a psychologist to support two children who have come from an abusive home. If you don’t have the cash yourself, why not do some fundraising?

Alternatively, by buying goods via www.buy.at/refuge you can raise up to 12% commission on your purchases at online stores such as Amazon, Tesco, play.com, John Lewis and M&S. And using www.everyclick.com/refuge to search the internet will allow you to raise funds without you even knowing it! You can even make it your homepage.

Or you can sign up for payroll giving, where the donation comes out before tax is deducted from your earnings. This means that if you give £10 from your pay packet, it will only cost you £8.

Finally, if you have an hour or more a month to spare, you can volunteer. Visit the Working for Refuge page for paid job opportunities or email volunteering@refuge.org.uk.

Read more about issues affecting women in the next edition of Liberti magazine.

Porn: the new sex education for kids

When I was eleven, my most risqué pastime was reading a bit of Judy Blume. Now eleven is the average age at which children start watching porn. I’ll let you digest that for a second…

According to research recently presented at the London University's Institute of Education, more and more children are turning to pornography for information about sex because they’re not getting it from their parents or teachers.

The researchers involved, Maree Crabbe and David Corlett, said that most schools discourage honest discussion about sex and intimacy and that porn has subsequently become the country’s “most prominent sex educator”.

Worryingly, many kids believe that by watching porn they are learning what is “normal” in sexual contexts. So our kids are basing their ideas about sex acts on the adult videos they watch, many of which are extreme and even violent.

Experts fear young girls will develop warped ideas about how they should look and may start to perceive themselves as sex objects dedicated to servicing men. Boys, on the other hand, are likely to harbour unrealistic expectations about sex and may also pick up on the misogynistic attitudes represented in many porn films.

It is also believed that the “pornification” of British culture (Labour MP Diane Abbott’s words, not mine) has prompted a rise in the number of underage sexual encounters. It seems more children and teenagers are feeling under pressure to have sex, both as a way of keeping their “partners” happy, and of keeping up with their friends’ supposed exploits. Accessing pornographic material can also put girls at risk of strangers who are looking for teenagers to groom.

Imagine finding out your eleven-year-old is watching x-rated material to find out about sex! I don’t have any kids, but if I did I’d be tempted to place them under immediate house arrest, far far away from any porn-accessing device. But kids have an uncanny way of getting into everything they shouldn’t, and stifling them certainly won’t improve your relationship with them.

Here are my five tips to help you address these issues (feel free to add your own in the comments section below):

1. Monitor the sites they are visiting at home and encourage their friends’ parents to do the same
2. Contact your internet service provider to find out how to stop them accessing adult content
3. Keep computers in public areas, not in bedrooms
4. Be aware of changes in their behaviour such as jumpiness when you approach the computer
5. (Perhaps the hardest one of all.) Talk to them openly and honestly about sex, loving relationships, pregnancy, abortion, sexual predators, paedophiles, peer pressure, sexual violence, body image and anything else you can think of. Encourage them to ask questions and share their feelings and concerns with you

It’s important your kids know that you love them whatever happens, but that you care enough to want the best for them and to protect them. If you don’t think they are able to open up to you, then perhaps encourage them to talk to a youth pastor or someone else they (and you) trust.

Hormone-fuelled kids are bound to be curious about sex, but it’s important that they learn about it in a safe environment. We need to give them a meaningful understanding of sex and the god-given purpose it serves within a healthy relationship; to assure them that it isn’t a dirty or sinful act within the confines of a happy marriage.

Remember that they will pick up on your attitudes towards sexual intimacy and members of the opposite sex, so make sure you are feeding your thoughts and sexual appetites the right way.

Read more from Joy in the upcoming issue of Liberti magazine.

Why 600 arrests just aren’t enough

I was thrilled to hear that Chinese police busted two major child trafficking rings last week. According to the government, 608 suspects were arrested and 178 children were rescued.

Good news, I hear you say. And you’re right – every child rescued from the traffickers is something to be joyfully celebrated.

The government certainly did a great job of rounding up the traffickers. A great deal of evidence was gathered and on November 30, 5,000 police officers launched a joint offensive and rounded up those responsible across ten provinces.

But despite claiming this as the "the biggest victory yet for anti-trafficking" operations, it seems to me the government should focus on preventing trafficking as well as shutting down existing rings.

So what could the Chinese government be doing better?

• It could get rid of the country’s strict one-child policy, perhaps. Experts claim many families are desperate to have a son to carry on the family name. This means baby girls are often sold to traffickers, while baby boys are often bought from them.
• It could also tighten up adoption regulations as existing laws for childless couples in China have led to a thriving underground market for kidnapping, buying and selling children.
• It should come up with a better solution for children who have been victims of trafficking. The rescued children in these raids were reportedly placed in welfare agencies – it’s not clear what will happen to them now.

Ultimately, the Chinese – and every nationality around the world – need to realise that children are precious, regardless of gender.

Besides, if everyone has sons, it’s going to be difficult to keep family lines going unless the girls sold to traffickers are subsequently hired out to procreate with the male heirs. This could result in sexual exploitation, disease, emotional distress and even incest!

I understand that different cultures have different perceptions about right and wrong, but I struggle to accept that any parent believes selling a child to traffickers is the best outcome for that child.

What the Bible says

Jesus makes it clear that children are extremely important and valuable to God.

Mark 10: 13-16 says: “People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant.

“He said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth; anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.’

“And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.”

He took them in his arms!

These trafficked children could turn out to be the next Confucius, Ang Lee or… Jackie Chan. Regardless of their destiny, each was created by God to live a life of freedom and fulfilment.

I’m not picking on the Chinese; trafficking happens all over the world, not least in the UK. It’s time to urge our governments to take this issue seriously and to give children across the globe the start in life they deserve.

We may not be traffickers ourselves, but if we turn a blind eye to it we are partly culpable for the mistreatment of children in our own countries and beyond.

Read more from Joy in the upcoming issue of Liberti magazine. 

A big thanks to Bekah for her awesome Haiti blogs!

Time to stop the traffik

According to the BBC, at least 400 African children have been abducted and trafficked to the UK (and subsequently rescued) by UK authorities over the last four years. However, this 400 only numbers those who have been rescued; just stop and think for a minute about what has happened to those who haven’t.

Experts claim a growing number of witchdoctors and ‘spiritual’ healers are involved in the trafficking and abuse of these children. It is believed some of these abductions are being carried out to facilitate ‘Juju’ (witchcraft-related) rituals, which often require human blood.

Victims have explained how rich clients pay witch doctors to remove hair from the child’s body and then make incisions into the arms, legs, head and genitals to obtain the much-coveted blood.

Many of these children are repeatedly told they are evil and that they are responsible for bad things that are happening around them. Some even convince themselves that they somehow deserve the abuse they are suffering.

Those who have been rescued are afraid to name their abductors in case they or their families are tracked down and harmed. And many are afraid to talk about the Juju rituals because superstition tells them something bad will happens to them if they do

The US State Department claims Uganda has become one of the main source countries for children being smuggled to the UK, with 9,000 having been reported missing over the last four years.

It’s a profitable business, with traffickers earning as much as £10,000 per child. And with Ugandan authorities unable to cope with the problem, it looks as though it will continue, and even escalate, in the future.

So what can (and must) we do about it?

First of all, we need to pray. James 5:16 says: "The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous [wo]man avails much." Jesus makes his opinion on children very clear in the gospels: they are extremely precious in his sight. So we should be praying for these dear children fervently and frequently.

Second, find out if there is a scheme in your area targeting this terrible crime. Cambridge Community Church (C3), for example, recently invited 80 churches from across the region to attend a talk given by Ben Cooley, CEO of Hope for Justice. The aim was to unite, inspire and equip local churches to take action. With anti-trafficking initiatives unrolling across the UK, it’s time for you to get involved!

Imagine if your son was abducted and mutilated for a superstitious ritual, uprooted from his home and living in constant fear and pain. Or if your daughter was stolen from you and forced into a life of drugs, violence and prostitution.

Of course, it’s not just children that are being trafficked. Many adults are also trafficked and forced to become sex workers or, basically, slaves. With statistics showing that 99% of trafficked victims are never rescued, it’s time to stand up and be counted.

“I firmly believe that if we work together we can establish the momentum to change history,” says Mr Cooley. “We can make this county a hostile environment for traffickers and see trafficking end in our lifetime.”

Don’t turn a blind eye… It’s time to stop the traffik.

Visit these sites for more info: http://hopeforjustice.org.uk; www.stophumantraffic.com; www.stopthetraffik.org/humantrafficking/background.aspx; www.notforsalecampaign.org; http://stophumantrafficking.com.

Read more from Joy in the upcoming issue of Liberti and its parent magazine, Sorted.