Where did all the Dads go?

On Sunday, some of us will be celebrating our Fathers, but not all of us. A report came out today, which announced that over a million children in Britain are growing up without a father in their lives. That figure is taken based on children who see their dads less than twice a year, which by my reckoning hardly counts itself.

I can say that because my two children only see their biological father twice a year and I know that hardly counts. When they were smaller and I was a single Mum myself, the relationship they had with their dad was nothing short of fiction. They had created a Daddy in their imagination, had pretend conversations with him and dreamed of what meeting him would be like.

I remember one poignant moment when my then four-year-old daughter spoke to her Dad for the first time in two years on the telephone. I only heard one end of the conversation but it was clear he had apologised for the lapse in communication when Megan replied “That’s OK Dad, I speak to you most days on my tweenies telephone.”.

It broke my heart. Just like it used to break my heart when she and her sister would ask “why doesn’t Daddy ever talk to us?” What are you meant to say? I wanted to say that it was because he is clearly a muppet who doesn’t begin to get what he is missing out on. But I refrained because I didn’t want to damage whatever relationship they did have with him.

But I worried – I worried whether maybe I should, actually, tell them he’s a muppet – because the alternative is that somehow it’s their fault. That my precious girls weren’t worthy of more than this, not worthy of regular contact and undivided attention. Or that this, when someone can be bothered, attention is an acceptable form of love. That neglect is normal. That giving up on people is OK. I didn’t want them to grow up not expecting more than this from people who profess to love them.

Because that’s the reality of an absent Dad – or Mum. It’s a message, shot right to the heart, that you weren’t worth hanging around for.

My girls have done OK. I have done everything in my power to shout a louder message to them  - that I would move heaven and earth for them because they are so incredibly valuable. I think I’ve managed to pretty much drown the other message out. It’s what single parents do. We wrap our children in a love so strong the arrows of neglect can’t pierce it.

The Centre for Social Justice report damns politicians, on all sides, for a ‘feeble’ response to what they describe as a ‘tsunami’ of family breakdown. It calls on the government to do more to encourage marriage, but I’m not sure what I think about that.

Don’t get me wrong. I think marriage, as it is designed to be – a promise between two people to love, honour and support each other through thick and thin, is a beautiful thing and is the answer to a broken society. But I don’t believe a tax break will achieve this. A tax break encourages, by definition, a contract of convenience, which, when it ceases to be convenient, will be broken and the family torn apart just the same.

What we need to do is to encourage responsibility, commitment, sacrifice, selflessness, patience, kindness and courage. What we need is a cultural revolution, which holds up those attitudes as worthy, that celebrates brave and reckless love rather than romance and sexual gratification and that champions those who stick at it rather than those who get a lucky break.

It’s a revolution that should start in the church – in many places it already has, organisations like Care for the Family, Time for Marriage and Relationship Central are dedicated to supporting and strengthening families. Romance Academy and XLP are committed to changing attitudes in younger generations. We need to do more.

Around the country thousands of young people are growing up in ‘Men Deserts’, there simply aren’t men around. In some areas as many as 75% of families are single parent families. The church needs to invite people in and role model what family really looks like; supportive, attention giving, sacrificial family. We need to love children though our kids work, walk and talk with them through our youth programmes all the while demonstrating what commitment really looks like.

My mum has worked with young people through the church for decades. I will never forget overhearing what one of the boys from the local estate said to her at the Christmas party she threw for them. “You do so much for us Daphne, even though nobody else cares where we are. Thank you”. His family rarely knew what he was up to, hardly cared. But he knew that in that place he mattered and that he belonged and he saw a team of people who worked together, week after week, for no personal gain, to take care of him and his mates. It made a difference.

I’m married again now and my girls have a Daddy who loves them as if he had fathered them and he has been there for them now, longer than they were without him. It would be easy to sit back comfortable, but as a family we try to look out for those who still feel alone. We invite our single parent Dad friend and his daughter over for dinner regularly, we've had a boy from the youth group live with us for a year when he had nowhere else to go and we try to share this precious family gift that we have been given with those could do with a bit of it themselves.

My challenge to you is this – we live in a broken world and the reports and the politicians will continue to debate it for many years to come. But we can start to make a difference in our communities today– inviting people for tea, taking kids out for the day for a treat and getting involved in the kids work at church. What are you going to do?

Compassion offers Maasai girls a better future

The Maasai tribe is one of the most recognisable tribes in the world, but many of the cultural practices carried out by the group continue to suppress women and even endanger their lives.

Through a network of local churches in Kenya, child development charity Compassion is challenging many of these damaging traditions and offering young girls from the Maasai tribes an opportunity to fulfil their potential.

One of the practices Compassion Kenya is seeking to change is that of childhood marriage. In Kenya, an estimated 42% of girls are married before their 18th birthday. This has a severely detrimental impact on their education, social and emotional development and their health, with pregnancy being the leading cause of death for girls aged 15 to 18 in the developing world.

Another dangerous custom perpetuated in many tribes is that of female genital mutilation. In Kenya alone, 49% of women are victims of this form of mutilation and the practice is highly prevalent in the Maasai tribe.

Pauline Shonk is a 16-year-old sponsored child who will not face early marriage thanks to her participation in a Compassion project. "I want to shape my future so that I can be of help to myself and others. I want to be a doctor," she explains.

Thanks to the support of her Compassion sponsor, Pauline attends the prestigious Ewaso Najile Girls School, a girls' secondary boarding school that is approximately 70km from Nairobi. Of the 267 students, 21 are Compassion-sponsored girls.

"Other girls [who are not in school] look much older than me," continues Pauline. "They are married and have children at a young age and they face many hardships at home.”

"Illiteracy and lack of exposure has dragged us behind. We have many bright girls who can compete with anyone," says Isaac Teeka, a history teacher at the Ewaso Najile Girls School. "This opportunity to be in school offers them that chance."

By working through local churches who understand local traditions, Compassion can reach out to those who are in greatest need effectively and with sensitivity. It often takes many, many years to see change, which is why the local church is the best vehicle for long-term development.

The landscape of rural Kenya is undoubtedly changing and with a generation of educated and confident young women, it will be better prepared for the future.

Find out how you can support these and other women across the globe by visiting Compassion. And don't forget to mark the United Nation's International Day of the Girl Child on October 11!

Read more about female liberation and empowerment in the upcoming issue of Liberti magazine. 

Boozy brides and slurpy singles

New research indicates that while marriage curbs men's drinking, it often results in women drinking more. A study from the Universityof Cincinnati showed that, on average, women drink more after heading down the aisle.

Conversely, while married women knock back the booze in an attempt to keep up with their men, husbands tend to drink less after tying the knot, calmed by their wives’ more moderate attitudes towards booze.

But although women's alcohol intake increases after marriage, husbands still drink proportionately more and reported higher levels of drink-related problems. And when relationships come to an end, men are more likely to hit the bottle, while long-term divorced or recently widowed women resume their restrained ways.

If you drink alcohol, do you drink more when you’re single or coupled up? Have you ever tried to ‘keep up’ with your partner or male friends? Do you tend to drink more when you’re happy and settled, or when you’re feeling a bit down in the dumps?

From past experience I would say that the amount I drink stays about the same. However, my drinking habits certainly change. When in a steady relationship I have tended to drink more frequently, but in smaller quantities, while single life has seen me drink less frequently but consume greater quantities in each sitting (or ‘dancing’, to be more accurate).

Although I’m ashamed to admit it, I’ve definitely experienced the pressure to play catch-up with male drinking partners; not consciously, but in an ‘I don’t want to be left behind’ kind of way. I’ve also had times when I’ve drunk far more than was good for me, which has had a number of knock-on effects (none of them desirable).

I think if you do drink, the key is to do so in moderation – a mojito or two with the girls; a beer when the football’s on (if you like that kind of thing); a film and a glass of red with your beloved. It shouldn't ever be about competing or keeping up!

The government recommends that women do not regularly exceed more than two or three units of alcohol (a 175ml glass of wine) in a day.

And British Medical Association (BMA) Ethics Committee chairman Michael Wilks points out that: "Saving up your weekly units so you can drink them all on a Friday night is not the way to interpret the government's advice." He adds: “If you're building up tolerance, that is a warning sign.”

It’s fairly well documented that alcohol can make you more susceptible to serious disease and mental health problems. It can affect your fertility and stop you from sleeping properly. It can also affect relationships, so if you are drinking more to keep up with your man, beware! It could all end in tears.

Last but not least, alcohol consumption affects your appearance. There are around 125 calories in a 175ml glass of wine and more than 500 in a bottle. A vodka and coke/gin and tonic is 120 calories, and you don't even want to think about the calorie count in cocktails. Drinking also affects the quality of your skin, makes you look bloated and can even cause you to smell funny!

So if you think you’re drinking too much or that someone you know is knocking back a little too much of the amber nectar, visit drinkaware.co.uk. It offers useful tips on how to cut back, and offers a handy diary so you can keep track of exactly what you are drinking.

Ephesians 5:18-20 says: “Don't drink too much wine. That cheapens your life. Drink the Spirit of God, huge draughts of him.

“Sing hymns instead of drinking songs! Sing songs from your heart to Christ. Sing praises over everything, any excuse for a song to God the Father in the name of our Master, Jesus Christ” (The Message version).

Read more from Joy in the next issue of Liberti magazine.

Matrimony or mate-ri-money… the choice is yours

Most of us are aware there are certain savings to be made if you’re married. While money may not buy you love, there is evidence to suggest a bit of romance could help to protect your pocket.

So should all singles be launching themselves into relationships in a bid to save a few pennies? Well perhaps not…

There are three important words to add to your vocabulary if you’re (young) free and single: MOSHing, mate-ri-money and FLAPers. MOSH stands for multiple occupant shared home and it happens when first-time buyers get together with other single friends to collectively buy a property.

Research from Future Poll indicates that 59% of singles who don't own a property say that doing so would greatly improve their quality of life and 30% have several friends they would consider buying a property with. According to the Government Office for Science, single-person households are projected to increase by 163,000 per year from 6.8 million in 2006 to 10.9 million in 2031.

The report also identified a new demographic in the UK described as FLAPers (financially liberated and positively single). Gone are the days of feeling left on the shelf; instead, people in the UK are looking for ways to live independently without ending up out of pocket. Those who see marriage as old-fashioned and unnecessary, for example, really seem to be embracing this new ‘financial friendship’ concept.

Future Poll found that 80% of singles believe friendships last longer than romantic relationships and more than one in four single people would go to their friends first if they needed money urgently.

But what if you’re already married? Well, there’s no need to call in a divorce lawyer! Being in a committed relationship can definitely save you money.

In general, couples are seen to be safer prospects for insurers – particularly car insurance companies – than their single counterparts. According to the Towers Watson Car Insurance Price Index.

Although this is set to change when new gender equality legislation takes effect in December, the average annual comprehensive car insurance policy currently costs £954 for a male driver, typically falling by £502 when a spouse is added. Deep down we all knew women were better drivers!

If that doesn’t send you rushing down the aisle, a new study from NS&I might just tip the balance. Its latest Savings Survey suggests Brits who are in a relationship save around £800 more each year than singletons. A fifth save at least £200 more per month; more than £2,400 over the course of a year. 

Relationships have the biggest effect on men's finances, with men saving an average of £85 more each month under their partner's influence compared with a £50 increase for women. Young men (aged 25-34) are most influenced by their partners, saving around £100 more. As many as 15% of women in relationships admit to being motivated to save more due to their partner's bad financial habits compared with 11% of men. 

John Prout, NS&I director, comments: "It is good to see that people in relationships are motivating one another to save significant sums of money. As well as helping each other save towards goals and providing more security in difficult times, these savings will make a difference for the bigger financial milestones that come during a relationship, like buying a home, or saving for life in retirement." 

Overall, the research seems to suggest that two heads (or wallets) are better than one; whether you decide to put a ring on it or not.

Read more from Joy in the next issue of Liberti magazine.

What do you go to church for?

I had lunch with a close friend this week and the conversation somehow wound its way round to church.

She’s taken a break from it for the last few years but is thinking about going back. There’s one thing stopping her though: she feels like a hypocrite.

She explained that she wouldn’t be going to turn back to God, but for the sense of community church life brings. Coming from a family where the door is always open to friends, she misses the social aspect and the values it teaches. But she feels a bit uncomfortable about the praise and worship side of things. And while her husband supports her in everything she does, he is worried church members will make her split up with him if she starts going.

I personally think she’d get a lot out of church, both from a social and a spiritual point of view, and it’s probably her own reticence that will act as the biggest obstacle to her enjoyment of church itself. I’m also 100% sure no-one would try to split up her marriage – it’s a God-ordained institution (and he’s lovely!).

Anyway, my problem with church is the complete opposite. It’s only when I’m worshipping God that I feel completely free. It’s the social side of things that I struggle with. I’ve been known to sneak in as the first song starts, sit alone at the back and sneak out as the invitation for tea and coffee goes out.

I’m horrible at small talk and blush embarrassingly when I feel awkward. I’m also bad at recognising people I’ve spoken to before, so I’m always wary of asking questions I should already know the answer to! What if someone asks me something and I don’t give a holy enough answer? What if they invite me to something when there’s football on?!

I have been working on this, and the friendship groups I’ve built up in various churches over the years have been incredible. But I still get incredibly nervous when I go to a church where I don’t know anyone.

Like last week…

I made it inside through a maze of doors and was confronted by a host of indistinguishable older ladies: similar shape, hairstyle, fashion sense, glasses. They were invariably named Phyllis, Ann, Joyce and Edna and were all immensely friendly (one even invited me to lunch after the service… but there was football on).

The service itself was fine, although there were a few awkward moments. Phyllis/Ann/Joyce/Edna did an exercise with the kids involving a map cut into pieces and ‘hidden’ around the room. This went horribly wrong when one little boy grabbed a pile and refused to bring them to the front. (Hilarious.)

Then we were split into small groups to pray for the church’s missionaries, something I’m used to, but is still a bit awkward if you’re a visitor. The mood was significantly lightened when another little boy broke free of his parents and started attacking the piano (and our ear drums). Stevie Wonder he was not.

Finally, a guest speaker approached the microphone. Now I’m not saying middle-aged, leather-jacket-wearing Cockneys can’t be good preachers… but this guy wasn’t. Moments of greatness were interspersed with loud and repetitive cries for us to “get desperate for Jesus”. And I’m pretty sure he offended some of the Anns and Ednas when he said he wanted to see some “life back in this place”.

I resisted the urge to run away immediately after the service – in fact I spoke to another Joy and a young couple, all of whom were lovely. But it’s still the social side of church that I struggle with the most.

Whatever it is that puts us off, though, there are so many advantages to church. We get to worship our Heavenly Father. We develop relationships that are more like family than some of our own families. And we can then collectively take the love of God into our communities; representing Jesus to those who would rather stick pins in their eyes than go to church.

Every church has imperfections, and many of us find aspects of church difficult. But after 29 years of going, I’m convinced the pros far outweigh the cons.

I’m definitely looking forward to being back at my own church this Sunday, though!

Porn: the new sex education for kids

When I was eleven, my most risqué pastime was reading a bit of Judy Blume. Now eleven is the average age at which children start watching porn. I’ll let you digest that for a second…

According to research recently presented at the London University's Institute of Education, more and more children are turning to pornography for information about sex because they’re not getting it from their parents or teachers.

The researchers involved, Maree Crabbe and David Corlett, said that most schools discourage honest discussion about sex and intimacy and that porn has subsequently become the country’s “most prominent sex educator”.

Worryingly, many kids believe that by watching porn they are learning what is “normal” in sexual contexts. So our kids are basing their ideas about sex acts on the adult videos they watch, many of which are extreme and even violent.

Experts fear young girls will develop warped ideas about how they should look and may start to perceive themselves as sex objects dedicated to servicing men. Boys, on the other hand, are likely to harbour unrealistic expectations about sex and may also pick up on the misogynistic attitudes represented in many porn films.

It is also believed that the “pornification” of British culture (Labour MP Diane Abbott’s words, not mine) has prompted a rise in the number of underage sexual encounters. It seems more children and teenagers are feeling under pressure to have sex, both as a way of keeping their “partners” happy, and of keeping up with their friends’ supposed exploits. Accessing pornographic material can also put girls at risk of strangers who are looking for teenagers to groom.

Imagine finding out your eleven-year-old is watching x-rated material to find out about sex! I don’t have any kids, but if I did I’d be tempted to place them under immediate house arrest, far far away from any porn-accessing device. But kids have an uncanny way of getting into everything they shouldn’t, and stifling them certainly won’t improve your relationship with them.

Here are my five tips to help you address these issues (feel free to add your own in the comments section below):

1. Monitor the sites they are visiting at home and encourage their friends’ parents to do the same
2. Contact your internet service provider to find out how to stop them accessing adult content
3. Keep computers in public areas, not in bedrooms
4. Be aware of changes in their behaviour such as jumpiness when you approach the computer
5. (Perhaps the hardest one of all.) Talk to them openly and honestly about sex, loving relationships, pregnancy, abortion, sexual predators, paedophiles, peer pressure, sexual violence, body image and anything else you can think of. Encourage them to ask questions and share their feelings and concerns with you

It’s important your kids know that you love them whatever happens, but that you care enough to want the best for them and to protect them. If you don’t think they are able to open up to you, then perhaps encourage them to talk to a youth pastor or someone else they (and you) trust.

Hormone-fuelled kids are bound to be curious about sex, but it’s important that they learn about it in a safe environment. We need to give them a meaningful understanding of sex and the god-given purpose it serves within a healthy relationship; to assure them that it isn’t a dirty or sinful act within the confines of a happy marriage.

Remember that they will pick up on your attitudes towards sexual intimacy and members of the opposite sex, so make sure you are feeding your thoughts and sexual appetites the right way.

Read more from Joy in the upcoming issue of Liberti magazine.