Porn: the new sex education for kids

When I was eleven, my most risqué pastime was reading a bit of Judy Blume. Now eleven is the average age at which children start watching porn. I’ll let you digest that for a second…

According to research recently presented at the London University's Institute of Education, more and more children are turning to pornography for information about sex because they’re not getting it from their parents or teachers.

The researchers involved, Maree Crabbe and David Corlett, said that most schools discourage honest discussion about sex and intimacy and that porn has subsequently become the country’s “most prominent sex educator”.

Worryingly, many kids believe that by watching porn they are learning what is “normal” in sexual contexts. So our kids are basing their ideas about sex acts on the adult videos they watch, many of which are extreme and even violent.

Experts fear young girls will develop warped ideas about how they should look and may start to perceive themselves as sex objects dedicated to servicing men. Boys, on the other hand, are likely to harbour unrealistic expectations about sex and may also pick up on the misogynistic attitudes represented in many porn films.

It is also believed that the “pornification” of British culture (Labour MP Diane Abbott’s words, not mine) has prompted a rise in the number of underage sexual encounters. It seems more children and teenagers are feeling under pressure to have sex, both as a way of keeping their “partners” happy, and of keeping up with their friends’ supposed exploits. Accessing pornographic material can also put girls at risk of strangers who are looking for teenagers to groom.

Imagine finding out your eleven-year-old is watching x-rated material to find out about sex! I don’t have any kids, but if I did I’d be tempted to place them under immediate house arrest, far far away from any porn-accessing device. But kids have an uncanny way of getting into everything they shouldn’t, and stifling them certainly won’t improve your relationship with them.

Here are my five tips to help you address these issues (feel free to add your own in the comments section below):

1. Monitor the sites they are visiting at home and encourage their friends’ parents to do the same
2. Contact your internet service provider to find out how to stop them accessing adult content
3. Keep computers in public areas, not in bedrooms
4. Be aware of changes in their behaviour such as jumpiness when you approach the computer
5. (Perhaps the hardest one of all.) Talk to them openly and honestly about sex, loving relationships, pregnancy, abortion, sexual predators, paedophiles, peer pressure, sexual violence, body image and anything else you can think of. Encourage them to ask questions and share their feelings and concerns with you

It’s important your kids know that you love them whatever happens, but that you care enough to want the best for them and to protect them. If you don’t think they are able to open up to you, then perhaps encourage them to talk to a youth pastor or someone else they (and you) trust.

Hormone-fuelled kids are bound to be curious about sex, but it’s important that they learn about it in a safe environment. We need to give them a meaningful understanding of sex and the god-given purpose it serves within a healthy relationship; to assure them that it isn’t a dirty or sinful act within the confines of a happy marriage.

Remember that they will pick up on your attitudes towards sexual intimacy and members of the opposite sex, so make sure you are feeding your thoughts and sexual appetites the right way.

Read more from Joy in the upcoming issue of Liberti magazine.

What’s in a word?

The beautiful Mary Alessi

I’ve always been a bit of a word geek; in fact a perfect evening for me would be a Scrabblathon with a hefty serving of chocolate on the side…

But what fascinates me most is the way we may think we understand a word for decades and then realise it might actually mean the complete opposite.

One example of this is the word “shadow” or, more specifically, “overshadow”. These words have always spoken of darkness, danger and domination to me.

And I believed the Bible backed up this view:

• 1 Chronicles 29:15b and Job 8:9: “Our days on earth are like a shadow, without hope.”
• Psalm 11:2: “The wicked bend their bows; they set their arrows against the strings to shoot from the shadows at the upright in heart.”
• Isaiah 59:9b: “We look for light, but all is darkness; for brightness, but we walk in deep shadows.
• Psalm 23:4 speaks of “the valley of the shadow of death”, while Job 16:16 talks about “dark shadows” around the afflicted man’s eyes and James 1:17 says that God is not changeable like “shifting shadows”.

So shadows are bad, right?

Well actually, I was overwhelmed by the number of positive references I found:

• Isaiah 32:2: “Each one will be like a shelter from the wind and a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a thirsty land.” Isaiah makes several references to being hidden/covered in the shadow of God’s hand.
• Acts 5:15: “As a result, people brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter’s shadow might fall on some of them as he passed by.”
• And of course there are many references to being hidden in the shadow of God’s wings in Psalms.

Okay, so “shadow” is a little hazy (excuse the pun), but “overshadow” can’t possibly be positive – can it? This is how the dictionary defines it: “To cast a shadow over; darken or obscure” and “to make insignificant by comparison; dominate”. Case closed, then.

Well, that’s not the way the Bible uses the word. American songwriter and worship leader Mary Alessi points out that the two key instances of the word – just prior to Jesus’ conception and at His transfiguration – are incredibly positive:

• Luke 1:35: “The angel replied [to Mary]: ‘The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God.’”
• Mark 9:7: “And there was a cloud that overshadowed them: and a voice came out of the cloud, saying, ‘This is my beloved Son: hear him.’”

 I also found the following great usages of the word, and I’m sure there are others (please feel free to add these in the comments below):

• 1 Kings 8:7: “The cherubim spread their wings over the place of the ark and overshadowed the ark and its carrying poles.”
• Ezekiel 31:3: “Consider Assyria, once a cedar in Lebanon, with beautiful branches overshadowing the forest; it towered on high, its top above the thick foliage.”

As Mary Alessi explains, it is the source of the shadow that makes the difference. If our ‘source’ is in or of the world, we are likely to end up feeling insignificant and defeated when we are overshadowed. But God’s overshadowing represents his presence, his protection and the pleasure he takes in our growth and success.

  

Read more from Joy in the upcoming issue of Liberti magazine.

At last some recognition for homeless-helping churches

I’ve become so used to seeing news stories about abuse and prejudice in churches, I was surprised to see an article in the Guardian about churches that are helping the homeless.

And there isn’t even a sniff of cynicism about it.

The story begins with a visit to a homeless centre in a Victorian London church.

“Tables are set at the top of the nave where 20 people are seated eating chilli con carne and mince pies,” writes Anna Tims.

“It's a strikingly peaceful dinner party – perhaps because the only beverages are orange juice and mineral water – but one of the guests, a youthful-looking man in a smart blue shirt, says it has saved his life.”

Holy Innocents, which has provided food, beds and rehousing support for 195 homeless people since the project started three years ago, isn’t the only church mentioned in the article.

Tims writes that it is one of a group of 14 churches in the London borough of Haringey providing food and beds for local rough sleepers. She claims that in 26 of London’s 33 boroughs, groups of churches are “quietly doing the same, improvising dormitories among the pews, adapting church halls into hostels and recruiting volunteers to cook meals, chat to the guests and take turns to sleep on mattresses under the same roof”.

According to the author, Holy Innocents and many other churches are providing clothes, toiletries, shower and laundry facilities and are “a vital plank in restoring dignity and self-respect in those who have lost all hope”.

It’s so refreshing to read a secular article that champions the work many Christians across the UK are doing, without making a fuss or asking for any glory.

There are countless verses in the Bible about helping those who are in need. Psalm 34: 18 says: “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit” and Proverbs 19:17 says: “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed”.

It’s our duty to care and provide for the homeless, orphans, widows and anyone else we see struggling. If Jesus were walking the earth today I reckon he’d be hanging out with the homeless and ministering to them: both physically and spiritually. So that’s exactly what we should be doing.

Jesus said that people will know we are His disciples if we demonstrate our love for one another (John 13:34-35).

So let’s start making headlines for the right reasons; let’s make positive stories about Christians the norm rather than a rare luxury.

Practical demonstrations of love are the way forward if we want to reach a world that feels detached and disappointed by Christians today.

Read more from Joy in the upcoming issue of Liberti magazine.

The Christian camps that are “brainwashing” our kids

Soul Survivor 2011 courtesy of River Methodist Church

As a regular Guardian reader, I was surprised to see an article called “Christian teen camps are wicked, innit” (August 2011) on the paper’s website.

Although cleverly written, this piece reveals Thomas Prosser’s ignorance and prejudice, and is typical of our generation’s tolerance for anything apart from Christian values.

The general gist of the article is that Christian camp organisers are using teen lingo and exploitative techniques to brainwash kids into believing the (clearly nonsensical) views that millions of people around the world hold.

I went to Christian camps every summer as a teenager and they were the highlight of my year. I made a lifelong friend the very first year and we met up at camp each year after that for about six years. We’re still in touch now.

There were no secret agendas about these camps: they were advertised as Christian camps and I wasn’t surprised to find there was some mention of Christianity when I got there. If you went to a pop concert and ended up watching a strip show, you’d be a little surprised to say the least (or perhaps not so much these days).

Prosser describes Soul Survivor sermons as “wild orations that aim to wear down the resistance of the audience to the message”. He claims: “Videos designed to whip up the emotional temperature of the audience are shown, and fervid calls for youngsters to accept Christ are made.” He adds that “hypnotic music typically sounds out in subdued lighting as youngsters are urged to come to the front and give their lives to Christ”.

I’m pretty sure Prosser’s never actually been to the camp. What makes the music “hypnotic”? Is there anything inherently evil about rooms with dimmed lighting? Should we stop our kids from watching videos that have an emotional impact on them and force them to watch reality TV drivel instead?

I found it deeply ironic that the article – deriding the underlying “manipulation” of Christian “yoof lingo” – used such overtly anti-Christian language. Was this Prosser’s ploy to “brainwash” Guardian readers into rejecting Bible teachings? Let’s just hope his audience is more discerning than he thinks our youngsters are.

Prosser continues by saying: “None of any of this is fair to teens: young people have a right to choose their religious beliefs without being subjected to strategies that emotionally exploit them.”

Do you know many teens who agree to do things they don’t want to do? Isn’t he patronising and undermining the intelligence of our youngsters, who have probably given the issues considerable thought before making a decision one way or the other. That was certainly my experience.

I fundamentally disagree with Prosser’s assertion that “giving one's heart to Christ can alas be done in a fit of absence of mind”. How could he possibly know that? I agree that it can be a spontaneous decision, but becoming a Christian isn’t just about saying “pledging allegiance to Christ” at a specific moment; it’s about deciding whether to follow Him for the rest of your life. This choice is theirs long after the camp ends.

The article stipulates that “Christianity's most controversial doctrines are given a full airing at the camps”. This is probably true. We discussed a huge range of topics including human suffering, racism, evolution, who Jesus was, sex before marriage, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, physical healing… You name it, we talked about it.

But these discussions were open, interactive debates and questions/challenges to doctrine were actively encouraged. It gave us the opportunity to talk about things we might have been afraid to talk about with our parents or friends. And backed up with Bible teachings, the “wickedness” of these principles should probably be taken up with God himself.

Finally, while a lot of my friends were trying out drugs, sleeping around and messing about with Ouija boards, I was learning to jet ski, having a go at archery and horseriding, playing outdoor games, having gala dinners, taking part in music, craft and drama workshops, and most of all, having a LOT of fun.

I scrolled down to read the comments below the article, and sadly, the majority of respondents agreed with Prosser’s bigoted generalisations. “Most sensible people realise that religion is a crock of shit when they hit puberty,” says one. “Anyone uncool enough to sign up for such an embarrassing dickwit fest deserves all they get,” says another.

It’s a shame Christianity is seen by many as something that only the gullible, educationally subnormal and under-10s could possibly take seriously. Would these people have the guts to say the same about Islam or Judaism?

One that made me laugh, though, said: “The thuggery of those Christians over the past few days as they've been rioting, torching buildings, looting and mugging has been beyond contempt. My comment is of course not serious, Thomas Prosser, because I guess your article is not serious.”

I’ll leave Liberti editor Bekah Legg to have the last word on this as she has actually been to the festival and has therefore earned the right to comment.

“I went quite cautious, if I'm honest, but have been thoroughly impressed by all they do,” she says. “I take a group of about 60 kids and watch them grow before my eyes.

“It's an opportunity for them to hear great teaching, participate in great worship, encounter the Holy Spirit in a safe environment where there is no pressure or manipulation and above all I think it is just amazing to be part of a group of 10,000 people and realise that there are a lot more Christians out there.

“I've seen a lot of kids’ lives turned around.”

I don’t have children (yet) but when I do, I think I’ll run the risk of them encountering darkened rooms and "hypnotic" music than allowing them to do the things most teenagers are doing these days. Ok, rant over!

Chris Page has some pretty good cards up his sleeve

I recently interviewed a guy whose vision has become a thriving and inspirational company. In 2004, Chris Page set up Cards fromAfrica (CfA), which provides employment to people in Rwanda and makes beautiful handmade, Fairtrade cards. Chris tells Liberti how he set up the business and about the exciting road ahead.

Liberti: What drew you specifically to Rwanda?

Chris Page: I visited Rwanda for three days in 2001 during a ‘scouting the land’ trip.  I knew God was calling me to work overseas and sensed the time was right to start looking in 2000, so I started researching about countries and visiting a few in my holiday leave. Whilst I was in Rwanda I heard the word ‘dignity’ from the Lord and I strongly felt He was saying He wanted to restore dignity to vulnerable youth.

Liberti: Why did you think the card business was a good way to support orphans there?

Chris Page: I started to think about what it was that gave me dignity in my life.  I realised that apart from my identity in Christ, it was the ability to choose what I studied, what clothes I wore, having decent healthcare, what sports to play, etc. And the thing that really enabled all these choices fundamentally seemed to be money! 

So perhaps the Lord wanted me to help people earn money… How, I thought? Through job creation? The more I thought about it, the more it sat right with me, and I was filled with excitement. He wanted me to go and help start up businesses and become a business missionary.

Cards from Africa was the first business I started. I was looking for a product that could be exported, [and was] lightweight (Rwanda is landlocked), high-value, labour-intensive, and relatively unskilled. Handmade cards seemed to tick all the boxes, so we teamed up with a Rwandan artist, made our own handmade paper, and it seemed to take off. We haven’t looked back (much) since! We’re now employing over 90 people full time to make the cards. Almost all our employees are orphaned youth responsible for their younger siblings. They are all aged 18 years+, which is one of the requirements of a Fairtrade organisation.

Liberti: Did you have previous experience in the creative/business sphere?

Chris Page: No, but I have started a few small enterprises since then, including Cards from Africa in the UK as a distribution business.

Liberti: What is your vision for the company?

Chris Page: Our initial vision is to capture 0.01% of the UK greeting card market!  That would enable us to employ around 300 orphaned youth in Rwanda, which is about the capacity of the building they currently rent in Kigali, Rwanda.

Liberti: How does your Christian faith affect the way you do business?

Chris Page: Jesus is central. He’s the best business partner you could ever have! He guides, gives reassurance, whispers words of encouragement and affirmation, and His glory is CfA’s ultimate aim. When we lose track of what CfA is all about, He gently puts us back on track. He is exceedingly patient, gracious, loving and generous, and has never, ever disappointed or failed us, and he never will (even if CfA fails).

The cards take 30 minutes to make, on average, and are exceptionally beautiful. And according to Chris, Cards from Africa now has the largest range of Fairtrade greetings cards on the planet. “We don’t kill any kittens to make our cards, we only use recycled office waste paper,” he jokes. Of course, the main point is that the money goes to those who need it rather than the big American greeting cards companies many of us buy from.

In addition to buying the cards, you can become a Cards from Africa representative, selling the cards and earning some money for yourself (or for a cause you love). You can also contact Chris (chris@cardsfromafrica.com) if you know a retailer that might want to stock CfA cards or if you have any design ideas. Find out more about the company at www.cardsfromafrica.co.uk.

Christmas on a camel

So Christmas in Egypt was a pretty strange experience.

The hotel was absolutely dripping in neon lights; it looked like we’d accidentally ended up in Vegas. Everywhere we turned there were Christmas trees or Santa in his sleigh, and banners wishing us Happy Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, it was awesome waking up to beautiful sunshine every day and having zero washing up to do. There was even a special gala dinner held in a stunning marquee with enough food to feed an army.

But it still wasn’t Christmas – the 25^th could have been any other day of the year. I really missed going to church with my family, opening presents together, sitting down for a traditional dinner and falling asleep on the couch watching Christmas films.

But despite all this, something really great came out of my time in Egypt – I met a little boy who totally changed my life. I’m ashamed to admit this, but when I first saw the group he was with, I found them loud, brash and objectionable.

From the travelling community, I resented the way the children were left to run wild in dirty clothes while the parents got hammered. I even found myself tutting at the kids for their bad behaviour.

It wasn’t until I actually talked to this young chap that my eyes were opened. This five-year-old became my best friend in just a few days. He followed me everywhere, drew me countless pictures and, according to his mum, talked about me non-stop when I wasn’t there.

He was a clever, generous, curious little boy who simply longed for attention. We played cards, we learnt to count together and we talked for hours. I found myself looking for him wherever we went and I have missed him terribly since I got back.

But what surprised me the most was that this child’s mother turned out to be a born-again Christian. I had simply written off the whole group without noticing how different she was from the others. Rather than getting drunk with the adults, she spent most of her time sitting alone, struggling to keep an eye on her three kids.

And she was the one who brought up faith. She asked me what I was reading and if I had ever read the Bible. She then asked me some pretty challenging questions and asked me to pray with her and my new buddy by the pool.

This was a woman who has suffered years of domestic abuse. She clearly loves her children but just isn’t getting the support she needs. She seemed so grateful to have someone to talk to and to take an interest in her little boy.

She aroused in me a sense of righteous indignation: at the people in her life who were letting her down, and at myself for being such a snob. Most of all though, I felt grateful that, in the heart of a Muslim country, God had reached out to me through this woman and her son; that He had both challenged and blessed me at the same time.

I’m going to stay in touch with these two precious people and I hope that next time I’ll be slower to judge and quicker to show God’s love wherever I go and whoever I meet.

Happy New Year folks!