Setting boundaries is biblical and liberating!

I’m just about to complete my first semester of Bible School, and it’s already beginning to change my life. One of the modules, in particular, has made me rethink the decisions I make on a daily basis. 

It’s called Boundaries, and its aim is to help people take ownership of their own actions. One of the first principles of this practical and thought-provoking course is learning how to say “NO!” to things. This in itself is a revolutionary concept to me!

I thought I’d share a bit of it with you to get you thinking about where the boundaries lie in your own life. I’m sure we could all do with ‘fixing up the fences’ around our ‘properties’ (bodies, minds and hearts) and making sure we protect ourselves from the many people and things that want to invade our space each day. So here are some of the basic principles…

A boundary is a personal property line defining where a property begins and ends. We are called to set physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries; distinguishing what belongs to us and what we are responsible for (Galatians 6:5-8). Establishing boundaries is about setting limits that protect us from harm, maintain order and help us to not to “stray” from (violate the boundaries of) God’s commands (Psalm 119:20-24).

God introduced boundaries right from creation (darkness/light, land/sea) and gave Adam and Eve clear boundaries (rules and responsibilities) in the Garden of Eden. Jesus had boundaries: He only ever did what the Father had instructed Him to do (John 5:19) and He often introduced physical boundaries between Himself and others when He withdrew to pray. Jesus says: “I stand at the door, and knock” (Revelation 3:20). He never invades our space without permission.

Boundaries define what we are personally responsible for and help us fulfil our God-given purpose. They also allow us to say no to things without feeling guilty. They prevent us from having our property (time/values/relationships) invaded or corrupted (2 Peter 1:2-4). They enable us to guard our hearts, minds and bodies (1 Peter 1:13), which are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19). Failure to protect and maintain our boundaries can lead to sin and the consequences of this sin.

Boundaries give us control and true freedom (John 8:32). They allow us to choose how to respond to provocation and offence. Effective boundaries help us to remain sin (“trespass”) free, which means we don’t hurt others or encroach on their property. Boundaries guard our “treasure” but allow us to live in communion with God and others, giving us the freedom to choose life or death (Deuteronomy 30:16-19; Romans 8:13). Ultimately, boundaries help us to become more Christlike.

If you are continually saying “yes” to people, when really you mean “no” or “maybe”, or you allow people to walk all over your life rules and values, I’d encourage you to take a Boundaries course or to read Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. The principles are simple and it’s surprisingly liberating.

Read more from Joy in the next issue of Liberti magazine.

Body Image - through the eyes of a child...

I’ve just come back from delivering a workshop on body image at a local secondary school. I’m reminded again of how important it is that kids are given this information – in schools, at home and through the media. I'm delighted that Media Smart have developed an information pack for parents on the whole issue - it's a great resource and you can download it here.

The information kids are given – at school through their peers, at home through the things they hear their parents saying, often inadvertently about themselves, through the media both online, onscreen and in print – sets them an unattainable target for beauty. Adverts, TV programmes and even social media portray men and women in airbrushed, digitally enhanced perfection to the extent that young people no longer know what is real, but are left with the ‘knowledge’ that they don’t match up.

The result is a generation, probably now a second generation, of young people whose self-esteem is riding at an all-time low, and who are increasingly struggling with a range of eating disorders as a follow on to body dysmorphia. They have been taught that their value lies in their appearance, that achievement is about weight loss and that perfect hair is a thing to strive for.

I still find it astonishing to go into a classroom and realise how few children are aware that the images that they are bombarded with are not real – that so many are quite literally an artist’s creation – founded on reality but now the figment of someone’s imagination; a work of art, certainly, but not real.

I get great satisfaction from watching the students I work with develop an awareness; to see them begin to critically analyse the adverts I place before them, to hear them discuss and discover the messages in the advertisement, to dissect those messages and then reject them. I pray that they continue to develop these skills as they learn to filter the images that enter their psyche.

And I pray that mine will not be the last voice that encourages them to know that they are more than their body. I pray that as they return home, they find parents who can chat this through with them. Parents who will value their kindness, their intellect, their thoughtfulness, their skills, their humour, their patience, their tenacity, their stamina, their strength and their loyalty above their looks.

I’m a mum, I think my girls are gorgeous – there are days when I think they are so cute I could actually eat them. But this must never be the only praise I give them. I do tell them their hair is beautiful and that they look lovely in that outfit – but I also tell them how proud I am of their achievements.

I tell Meggie that I am blown away by her swimming, I spend hours chatting with Gem about the books she's reading. I tell Maddie that her creativity is a gift that she must cherish and Emmie knows how impressed we are that she is up at the stable in all weathers, mucking out and helping so that she can earn some time to actually ride. Amber could singlehandedly replace the entire Olympic Committee and still find time for fun, such is her skill for organisation. These are the things that make my kids unique; these are the things that I love about them; these are the things that I never want them to forget are important.

We influence the people in our lives by the things we say about them and about ourselves. When I talk about wanting to lose weight or complain that I feel fat I’m teaching my kids to look at themselves and wonder if they’re overweight too, like mummy. The thing is, my kids look at me and just see me. They don’t see the love handles or the cellulite or the sags – they just see mummy. They don’t see the ‘flaws’. When I disillusion them by pointing these things out I’m teaching them that they matter. I’m putting the thought into their minds that maybe there is something about them that’s not how it should.

Quite frankly I should keep quiet and allow myself a place where I am like Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way! There aren't many people who think that about me, so while my children accept me just the way I am, I should enjoy it. Then, just maybe, it will enable them to grow up accepting themselves in the same way. 

Why the Queen is so keen on Debra Green

I was delighted to hear that mother-of-four Debra Green, who initially started a charity to provide somewhere for teenagers to meet, has been awarded an OBE for her services to community cohesion.

The mother-of-four was the principle founder of church-based project Redeeming Our Communities (ROC), which has spread all over the UK and is really helping to improve quality of life in local communities.

ROC has built partnerships between police, the fire service, churches, voluntary groups and others to tackle issues from anti-social behaviour to the isolation that is often experienced by elderly people.

“I am humbled, delighted and honoured to be recognised in this way. I pay tribute to my wonderful family who have faithfully supported me and to friends who have believed in me and to my ROC colleagues and volunteers who are working so hard for the good of communities across the UK,” she said.

While some of us might have been tempted to put our feet up and focus on our mantelpieces if we made the Queen’s Birthday Honours List, Debra had other plans. The same weekend the list was announced, she was speaking at the Alive Festival in Inverness.

Then on Monday she was in London speaking at Jesus House, one of the fastest-growing black majority churches in England, and on Tuesday she met the senior command team at New Scotland Yard to discuss ROC developments in the capital. And on Wednesday she travelled to Sussex for an ROC Projects Training Day for the South East.

Even just reading all that makes me feel tired…

But that’s what makes Debra so special. She never tires of doing good and is continually thinking of new ways to bring communities together. Constantly on the road, she is an example to all of us of how one person’s obedience and determination can make a difference to individuals, families, cities and nations. And she somehow still manages to remain completely down-to-earth and humble. No wonder the Queen likes her.

So what’s next for Debra? “I have so much to be grateful for... perhaps I'll have a bit of rest next week!” she says. (Don’t tell her I said so, but with her schedule I’m not sure there’ll be much chance of that!)

Read the full story in the next issue of Liberti magazine and find out more about Redeeming our Communities here.

I have a new hero…

Her name is Martha Payne.

You may have read the news coverage of this intrepid nine-year-old whose blog, NeverSeconds, has made headlines.

She started photographing her school meals and giving them various ratings in a bid to a) improve the quality of school meals and b) to raise money for Malawi-based charity Mary’s Meals.

The blog was an instant hit, drawing praise from fellow campaigner and celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. Children from as far afield as China and Canada were sending in pictures of their school dinners as they lapped up what she was writing.

But like Jamie's work in the UK and LA, Martha’s efforts were not universally appreciated...

When a local newspaper picked up the story and gave it the headline “Time to fire the dinner ladies”, Martha was hoiked out of her maths lesson by her head teacher and told to stop photographing her meals. The local council was leaning on the school in a bid to silence its outspoken food critic.

Argyll and Bute Council accused the nine-year-old of “misrepresenting” the menu options available and refused to budge, even when Jamie Oliver and fellow celebrity chef Nick Nairn intervened. It looked like the ban would stick.

What she thought would be her last blog entry was titled “Goodbye” and read: “I only write my blog, not newspapers, and I am sad I am no longer allowed to take photos”. Freedom of speech (and photography) had been dealt a major blow.

But then people power took over. There were almost three million visitors to her blog and a large proportion of these expressed their anger at the decision on Twitter.

It was too much for the local authority, which backtracked and overturned the ban, claiming there was “no place for censorship in Argyll and Bute Council”. But best of all, the extra publicity has helped the schoolgirl campaigner raise nearly £46,000 for her chosen charity.

A spokesperson for the Mary’s Meals said: “We are extremely grateful for everything that she has done to help us reach some of the hungriest children in the world.”

I’m glad Martha’s blog has the green light to continue; it really is extremely articulate. But it was also great to see that so many people were prepared to fight her corner and to show that they too cared about the quality of the food their children were being offered.

And it also appealed to the public’s better nature. While impressive donations of around £2,000 had come in before the story broke, the giving level has rocketed over the last few days and has now grown enough to build at least one school kitchen in Malawi. According to her father, Martha may even be dreaming of a visit to Malawi to see where the money has gone (and to check the quality of the meals, no doubt).

This girl’s creativity, eloquence, innovative approach and fighting spirit really appeal to me, and to millions of people around the world. I only wish I was brave enough to stand up for the things I believe in!

The girl that hugged the queen

You may have read about the Ugandan war orphan who hugged the queen during the Jubilee celebrations. Well I had the privilege of meeting Lydia Amito face-to-face at the Cherish conference in Bradford this week (and getting some hugs of my own).

I first saw this little girl on the main stage during one of the conference’s celebration meetings. She walked on stage with the Watoto Children’s Choir and stepped forward, confidently introducing herself and explaining the difference the Watoto charity – and her newfound Christian faith – has made in her life.

But while seeing her beautiful smile and listening to the choir’s incredibly moving performance, I was still unprepared for her tragic story. It turns out that Lydia’s father and uncles were butchered Lord’s Resistance Army, who also slaughtered her mother in front of her older sister.

Lydia and her six siblings managed to escape and were rescued by the Watoto Church; a Pentecostal church that now cares for 2,500 children. The church places orphans like Lydia in families of eight, housing them in simple homes that are built around a communal garden. Each home is presided over by a ‘house mother’, usually a widow who has lost her husband and/or children to war, AIDS or malnutrition.

Sitting down with Lydia was a humbling experience. On one hand she was just a shy, giggly little girl, but on the other she had been through intense trauma, seen horrors I am unlikely to ever see, and managed to start a new life. She confides that when she grows up she wants to be a nurse. “I want to treat people so they can get better,” she says.

This little girl, who could have been sex-trafficked, abused and even killed, is now in a safe home with people who love her. When she’s not at school she loves practising for the choir and helping out her house mother, Mamma Santa, by cleaning the house and cooking. She has also formed close bonds with her brothers and sisters, as well as experiencing the love of Jesus Christ, which she prizes above all else.

Being away from home for five months of the year must be strange for the choir members, some of whom are as young as ten. But Lydia says she enjoys seeing new places and loves singing and dancing on stage.

She and two of the guys caring for her – Mark and Stephen – totally stole my heart as I sat listening to her story, and to the boys’ explanations of the Watoto Charity’s aims, which can be summed up by the following passage:

“Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” (James 1:26-7).  

If you had asked Lydia a few years back what her future held, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have been too convinced she would even have a future. I want to see more children like Lydia with magical smiles and beautiful spirits who are capable of impacting our nation from the top down.

As well as breaking protocol by hugging Her Majesty, I’m pretty sure she broke the queen’s hearts for the orphans’ plight. I hope this precious little girl and the other children – all of whom have had similarly traumatic experiences – continue to touch the hearts of people around the world.

You can support the children of Watoto in lots of different ways. Visit to the Watoto website to find out more.

Read more from Joy in the next issue of Liberti magazine.

Abortion, murder and ‘unfair’ dismissal…

Everyone has their own opinion on abortion – ranging from the ‘it’s the woman’s right to choose’ attitude through to the ‘it’s murder’ viewpoint.

It seems to me the media is giving mixed messages about the practice. I read two news stories this week that seemed ridiculously contradictory.

The first was the story about Bei Bei Shuai, a Chinese woman living in America who took rat poison after her boyfriend left her. She was pregnant at the time and her actions led to the death of her unborn child.

The second was the story of Margaret Forrester, a Roman Catholic who was sacked by the Central and North West London NHS Trust after showing a colleague a booklet highlighting the physical and psychological damage women can potentially suffer after terminating a pregnancy.

Ok, so the first isn’t exactly ‘abortion’, but Shuai’s actions resulted in the termination of her foetus. Interestingly, she is among a rising number of women who are finding themselves charged with murder after losing an unborn child due to maternal drug addiction or a failed suicide attempt. If convicted, Shuai could be sentenced to 45 years or even life in jail.

Now I’m not saying there shouldn’t be consequences for her actions. But I would have thought that seeing her baby, whom she named Angel, die in her arms was a pretty high price to pay. In fact, she was so distraught she was instantly transferred to a mental health wing. Unbeknown to her, the local homicide department immediately started investigating the incident. She was eventually arrested and taken to a high-security prison, where she has now been for about 15 months.

I have to say I sympathise with this young woman, whose mental state clearly wasn’t great. She was not only dealing with the physical and hormonal challenges of pregnancy, she was also feeling abandoned by her partner in her hour of need. That doesn’t justify what she did, but I do think she is being targeted considering the general acceptance of abortion in the US.

According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), roughly 50 million legal abortions have been performed in the US since 1973. 50 million – that’s not far off the total UK population!

A study from the Guttmacher Institute cited the following reasons women gave for terminating a pregnancy:

• 74% Having a baby would dramatically change my life
• 73% I can’t afford a baby now
• 48% I don’t want to be a single mother/having relationship problems
• 38% I have completed my childbearing
• 32% I’m not ready for a(nother) child 

If you can have an abortion on the basis of your financial status or because you don’t feel like having a baby right now, how can poisoning your foetus because you are broken-hearted and mentally unstable be classed as murder?

Then there is the other extreme… losing your job for questioning whether abortion is the only/best solution for an unwanted pregnancy. Ms Forrester was dismissed for “gross professional misconduct” because she expressed concerned that women were being offered abortions without considering the alternatives.

Let’s get this straight. A woman was sacked for holding a discussion about abortion with a colleague… Not a patient, a colleague. Despite the fact that the booklet she shared contained content from women who had had abortions themselves and regretted their decisions.

It seems the only people with any power in this country are the pro-abortionists. If you get pregnant and don’t fancy having the baby, you can head down to the local clinic and ‘get it sorted’. The unborn foetus is seen as just that: it’s a bunch of cells, not a baby.

But if you poison your unborn foetus you’re seen as a murderer. Can you murder a bunch of cells? Surely it must be a living being, a baby, if you are able to murder it. In the meantime, if you happen to suggest abortion could have negative consequences you could find yourself down the dole office. Can we please get a bit of perspective here???

I’m not arguing for or against abortion here (although I do have strong views on the matter). I merely ask that there is a bit of consistency when it comes to defining words such as “foetus” and “baby; “abortion” and “murder”. Because at the moment they just seem to be arbitrary words used to bring about the personal agendas of the most ‘influential’ individuals and institutions.

Rant over. 

Read more from Joy in the next issue of Liberti magazine.